I'm waiting for our two candidates to start cavorting with scantily clad valets and to hit each other over the head with steel folding chairs. The Gore vs. Bush match up we're about to see has all the makings of a great pro-wrestling feud, even if it doesn't make for much of an election. Al Gore was, of course, number two man on the ticket which whomped George W. Bush's dad out of the White House and ended the Reagan years. Bush wants to regain his family honor, Gore wants to establish his own legacy, the bell rings and.. I'm ready to start throwing out wild speculations.

Both candidates are rich brats from political families. Both did drugs. One served in a war, the other didn't, but no matter-- Bush could bring McCain onto his ticket to win Vet sympathies. Al never got captured and John McCain didn't have an officer assigned to look out for his safety. Of course, the Republicans all hate McCain now and the Democrats all hate Bill Bradley, so the number two men won't be getting the presidential nods.

One might try to go "more progressive" than the other by nominating a woman. The time seems ripe for a woman VP nominee and Lizzie Dole has nothing better to do. Conventional wisdom says the first woman or minority to enter the White House will be conservative and it makes a bit of sense: conservative women and minorities seem less a threat to the established way of things because, well, because they are less of a threat. Clarence Thomas certainly hasn't done anything to advance the cause of African Americans while he's been on the Supreme Court and that's just dandy with the status quo types who make up the majority of voters.

Basic lines from candidates and parties:

Bush: Bring back the Reagan years without all the secret foreign wars.
Gore: Continue the Clinton years without all the floozies and sex scandals.
Reform party: Already off the map.
Greens: Ralph Nader just tries to make a few speeches and maybe influence some lefties, and perhaps kicks a close election over to Bush unless the off the map reform party steals enough votes from the Republicans.
Libertarians: they're mostly nuts.
Anyone else: If you're in this category it's because I never heard of you, and neither has anyone else.

The losers: McCain endorses Bush (maybe hoping for that VP nod) and Bradley endorses Gore (maybe hoping for a cabinet job).

Some predictions:

Gore's health care plan, though he may temper it to current anti-liberal sensibilities will still strike people as "too far left" and become a liability during the campaign, especially if legislative Republicans go along with Clinton's proposal to subsidize drug purchases for seniors. Once that happens, Republicans can claim, "Look, we already dealt with that." Best case scenario for Gore: He casts the tie breaking vote because the Republicans fight Clinton, alienate senior citizens and make them all look heartless thus taking the steam out of Bush's "compassionate conservatism." I don't know if the Republicans are that dumb, it's like falling for that three move fool's mate in chess.

Speaking of Bush's "compassionate conservatism." It won't fly. He's executed to many Texans for this to be taken seriously. Besides, it gives Gore too much opportunity to list every mean thing Bush has ever done in his life and tag it with, "Is that compassion?"

The outside players:

Gore tries to stay away from the Clinton's, unless it helps him look presidential. If Rudy Giuliani creams Hillary in the New York Senate race, Gore's going to have problems in a big state. But there's nothing he can do about it. If Hillary wins though, Gore's got New York locked up because it means that New York likes the Clintons. I think Hillary will win, but it'll be tight. Gore's victory here might be similarly close.

Bush doesn't have his dad around too often though we will see a lot of Barbara because everyone loves Barbara. Bush can play the dad thing really well if he continues as he has with the image of a proud father staying out of his son's business because "the young man knows what to do." Americans love it when fathers have faith in their kids.

The outcome:

Gore wins unless the economy goes south. Americans don't fix what ain't broken and the Republicans will have wasted George Bush as a presidential contender. They should have written this one off and run another Dole (who everyone knew would never win). It's going to be close, I admit, but George Bush will be revealed for what he is: not too compassionate, not too bright, and not too presidential.

Michael Maiello is now accepting bets. He's giving Dubya four points.