An attractive girl sat underneath a tree in the late afternoon sun. As I walked by, I thought 'that's a great way to spend the time, peacefully taking a scene in the shaded comforts of --.' My internal conversation abruptly halted when I realized she was talking on her cell phone. My view of the girl's attractiveness and her pristine serenity plummeted. I strolled past her without taking a second glance back.

There is something about the invention of the cell phone that inherently bothers me. I thought I would have gotten used to people walking by with their hands stuck up to their ears, but it's still annoying. Every time I'm in public and hear those electronically sped up jingle songs posing as telephone rings, I can't help thinking we are de-evolving.

The main reason I hate cell phones is that I have no choice but to listen to one half of a conversation, and none of them are fascinating to me:

Hey. What's up? Oh, nothing. We're just at the theater watching a movie. I don't know. I'm not paying attention. It's got Sandra Bullock in it. Yeah, she's hot. No nudity though. I know. What's up with that?

It's not just the movie theater either. It's the supermarket, the coffee shop, on the street, at parties, theme parks, football games, meetings, restaurants and underneath trees.

I've had people stop conversations with me to talk to whoever called them on their cell phone. It makes me want to walk away from the person and give them a call so they will pay attention to me again. I went on a date with a woman who periodically stepped away with her cell phone to check on a "situation." It's business, she told me as if that made it okay. I hiked up the side of the Sandia Mountains with a good friend for two hours, and when we got to the apex of our hike, he whipped out his cell phone and called a friend in town. My gut twisted up uncomfortably.

So far, I have been able to lead a sound life without the assistance of cell phone. When I leave the house, no one can get a hold of me. When I leave the house, that means I'M OUT. Please leave a message after the beep. People have this belief that something better going on somewhere else. You know what? There is always something better going on somewhere else, and there is always something worse. Do you really want to rely on the phone to dictate how you spend your evenings?

Where's the party? I know. We've driving around for hours. That one was a bust. Yeah, that one too. Where? On Columbia? Any hot chicks there? Not like the ones at the last party? Cool. Dude, we're there.

People say they have cell phones for emergencies, and they tell about the one time they ran out of gas a good half mile from the nearest gas station. I understand how a cell phone can make people feel safer when traveling long distances, but it's similar to people feeling safer about living because they have life insurance. How about getting a tune up?

I understand cell phones are necessary for many people. Self employed folks, people with no definite place of business, soccer moms juggling the schedules of four kids, Congressmen rushing between fund raising functions, and of course, people who are in a constant state of emergency or personal drama. I'm not saying cell phones are useless. I'm saying they suck.

I don't want pretty women under trees gabbing away. I don't want to stand in line behind you at the supermarket, listening to how you couldn't find your favorite kind of ice cream. I don't want people walking around with phone holsters, ready to draw at any time. I don't want what is inevitably happening.

Hello? Hey, what's up? Oh, I'm just wandering around in public with no specific purpose. Yeah, I'll probably be doing this for awhile. Tell you what, I'll give you a call when I get home. Later.

Chris Jungle will get back to you as soon as humanly possible.