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08.20.00 The lesser of two weevils a registered voter SUIT column by Chris Jungle
bush--n. 1a: shrub, a low densely branched shrub b: a close thicket of shrubs suggesting a single plant 2. a large uncleared or sparsely settled area 3. a bushy tuft or mass
gore--n. 1: blood, clotted blood 2. a small usually triangular piece of land Even Webster's Dictionary can't help me get excited about the two leading candidates for president. Shrub or Blood, Blood or Shrub. What's the difference? Shrub wants a tax cut. Blood wants a tax cut. This has become the rallying cry for both candidates. How should we blow all this money? Tax cuts have never done me much good. Unlike my fellow SUIT columnists, I won't clear fifteen grand this year. It doesn't bother me, but then again, neither do taxes. I'm just happy to be in five digit land. Tax cuts help the rich, plain and simple. If a middle class family gets 500 dollars off their taxes from a cut, you can bet the wealthy are saving hundreds of thousands. The percentage might be comparable, but the dollar amounts aren't even in the same area code. When the country falls into its next recession, be sure to remember that both of these guys felt it necessary to use up the surplus by "paying back the American people." And the poor? Well, we'll be as poor as we always have been, and we'll still be paying taxes. Shrub is pro-death penalty. Blood is pro-death penalty. Bah humbug. Shrub wants to sweep out the eight years of the maniacal Clinton regime. Blood wants to distance himself from Clinton and introduce himself to the country as "His own man." When I hear phrases about being your own man, masturbation jokes instantly pop into my head. I think it's a sad situation when my country has experienced the largest economic boom in its history, and everyone is afraid to be associated with the president who made it happen. Republicans hate Clinton because he rubbed it in their faces, and Democrats are scared to stand next to him for fear of becoming attractive to large interns. Simply put, Clinton provided this country with more prosperity, entertainment, scandal and water cooler talk than the four presidents before him combined, and Shrub and Blood can't hold a candle to him. Shrub is the son of a wealthy ex-president. Blood is the son of a wealthy ex-senator. The beat goes on. Shrub's biggest choice in life was whether to trade Texas outfielder Sammy Sosa for the Chicago White Sox's Harold Baines. Blood's biggest choice was whether to go to Vietnam. Shrub ended up trading Sosa and eventually selling his portion of the Texas Rangers. Blood went to Vietnam where he worked for the military newspaper and saw no fighting action. I guess Blood's choice was more difficult than Shrub's, but in retrospect, it doesn't seem like either of these guys have gone through a tremendous amount of adversity in their lives. Shrub is from Texas. Blood is from Tennessee. This election is brought to you by the letter T. Shrub is pro-family and pro-education. Blood is pro-family and pro-education. Shrub wants to protect social security. Blood wants to protect social security. Shrub has a cute wife and cute daughters. Blood has a cute wife and cute daughters. Shrub selected an older established-in-the-party vice presidential running mate. Blood selected an older established-in-the-party vice presidential running mate. Shrub is pro-choice. Blood is pro-choice. I couldn't sit through all of Shrub's nomination acceptance speech. I couldn't sit through all of Blood's nomination acceptance speech. Shrub and Blood are neck-and-neck in the polls as Labor Day nears, and I can't make heads or tails of either of these guys. Maybe we need a new dark horse white male candidate to enter the fray and run the stance that he "stands for everything that his opponents believe in AND THEN SOME!" Better yet, can I vote Clinton again? I don't care if he wins. Just one more time? Please?
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