Since I can recall giving much thought to the matter, I've viewed the "Israel situation" is fairly simple terms. Basically, I see the Israeli Army as an army of occupation, and the Palestinians as an oppressed people.

And despite the many wrinkles, I don't think any rational person can dispute these basic facts. Modern Israel was carved out of Palestine, and a whole lot of Palestinians lost their land and their livelihoods in 1948. Even more found themselves in a foreign country after Israel captured the West Bank and the Gaza Strip.

Now, this is where it gets hairy. The powers that be in the world have (for the most part) decreed that Israel gets to be where it is. Whether this is some sort of twisted reparation for the Holocaust ("Here, we'll give you a small swath of scrub land in exchange for killing six million people") or simply the recognition of the Zionist movement, that doesn't matter. Israel isn't going away.

But damn, man, if you just went through the Holocaust, why would you stoop to the Nazi-esque eradication of the current residents of your new home? At the very least, offer them a bone. Let them join your party. While there are a few Arab and Palestinian citizens of Israel, there aren't very many. Most Palestinians have been given the same chance at citizenship as Blacks in pre-60s Mississippi had to obtain voting rights.

My Jewish friends are all pro-Israel in one way or another, and even the more pro-Palestinian of them kinda freaked out when the two soldiers got lynched last week. I understand the emotional response; I do. But answer this question, please. Which is worse, an army killing more than a hundred people or a mob tearing two people apart?

You have to answer the question, and in order to do so you have to take sides. The question can't be answered in the usual objective way. On the Israeli side, folks will claim that the army was responding to a hostile situation. Or, to look at it this way, if you're stupid enough to throw a rock at a soldier, you're stupid enough to die.

The Palestinians point at the numbers. Who's dying out there? By a massive majority, it's the Palestinians. Who usually dies? The Palestinians. If a soldier gets killed, a number of Palestinians find themselves shredded by "rubber" bullets.

You know what? Everyone's wrong. Dead wrong. I'm tired of the crap. There isn't an innocent on either side. I think the Palestinians have more reasons to be pissed off, yeah, but that's no excuse for dragging a couple people out and stomping them to death. Fuck 'em. Fuck 'em all. I hope the Israelis and Palestinians wipe each other out. Maybe all that blood will salt the land, making it so sterile that no one ever wants to go there any more.

It's time that Islam, Christianity and Judaism find a new Holy Land. Holy lands, preferably. We've been fighting this war since Abraham "went unto" his handmaiden. Folks, 6,000 years is way too long to be arguing about some piddly affair, even if God himself sanctioned the transgression.

By the way, if you ever needed evidence that religion is a plot perpetrated by men to control the women of the world, as far as I'm concerned the Hagar story more than proves the case.

Anyway, Islam doesn't need to pick a new Holy center. It already has Mecca and plenty of other sites. I know, the mosque is Jerusalem is No. 3 (or the second-ranked contender, to use pugilistic rankings) in the Islamic holiness rankings, but drop the eternal city and let the others move up. Those charts have been more static than the ones in 1983 when Thriller was No. 1 for 37 weeks. Time for a shake-up.

Rome is a natural for the capital of Christianity. Forget the Vatican. That home of antiquated thought has nothing to do with my suggestion here. No, the original proselytizer, Paul (nee Saul), was a Roman citizen, and he traveled throughout the eastern Roman empire spreading the word. Plus, Rome is a pretty cool city, with lots more great ruins than Jerusalem (or Bethlehem, for that matter). The food is good and dinner isn't served until 10 or 11 at night. The wine doesn't suck, either. How can you go wrong?

Judaism? Hey, babe, come to America. There's more Jews in New York than in any other city in the world. New York is the only place where good bagels can be found, and only in New York can fresh lox be found 24 hours a day. Plus, as an added bonus, there is a greater breadth of Jewish thought within New York than in the whole of Israel. There are more Jewish fanatics (from the repressed Hasidic sects to the Jews for Jesus) in Brooklyn than the rest of the world combined.

As for the Palestinians? I dunno. At this point, I don't care. I really don't. Everyone has been way too stupid. Let everyone wipe themselves out except for Ariel Sharon. Him, we try in front of a new U.N. court. If he is found to be a prime asshole, then he should be sentenced to a lifetime in the stockade just outside the walls of Mecca. He gets to wash the feet of every pilgrim who passes him.

For once, a punishment that fits the crime.

Jon Worley is feeling mighty cranky. He needs a nap.