Hello, this is Jennie James, and I'd like to welcome you to the AOL/TimeWarner Newschannel's coverage of the 2000 Sun Microsystems Republican National Convention, brought to you by Oracle with special assistance from Microsoft.

Our first speaker tonight is Rudy Pserling, a gay dyslexic from New York. He'll be giving a speech on grazing rights in the western states.

Just one moment. There seems to be a disturbance in the Utah delegation. Let's go to floor reporter Geannie Waters.

"Thanks Jennie. About half of the members of the Utah delegation slipped necklaces on as Mr. Pserling began to speak. Right here I have Roy P. Roy, from Provo.

"Mr. Roy. What is that around your neck?"

"This here is a garlic ristra."

"A garlic what?"

"Ristra. You know, like the Mexicans do with them chili peppers."

"And why are you wearing it?"

"Keeps the homosexual vibes away. Keeps the mind clean and the soul whole. Don't get me wrong; I don't have anything against homosexuality personally. I just don't want to get contaminated, you see."

"So this is some kind of folk remedy?"

"Exactly."

"Back to you, Jennie."

Thanks, Geannie. Let's see if we can hear the end of Mr. Pserling's speech.

"... and I'd just like to say, who gives a damn where the buffalo roam as long as George W. Bush is president!"

Well, the crowd sure seems to like that. Let's see what political analyst Donald Trump thought of the speech.

"... house. Over there in the Missouri delegation. A real brick -- oh, thanks, Jennie. Well, I thought Mr. Pserling spoke particularly well, considering his disability."

Thanks, Donald. We'll get back to you later. Now we have Veronique Peralto, who will be addressing the convention in her native language of Swedish. She'll be speaking on the concerns of the growing Swedish-American community. Oh, I see that Jen Simpson has cornered some poor person on the convention floor. Jen?

"Thanks, Jennie. Right here I have O.K. Tex, who lobbied hard for an English-only plank in the Republican platform. Mr. Tex, what do you think of Ms. Peralto's speech?"

"Who's lookin' at her speech? She can say whatever she likes to me, you know what I mean?"

"But she's addressing the convention in Swedish, which I might point out is definitely not English. You're a strong supporter of English being established as the national language. What do you think of the idea of Swedish being spoken on the floor of the Republican National Convention?"

"She could be speaking Swahili. It doesn't matter to me as long as she wears a dress like that. Metaphorically speaking, of course."

"What metaphor would that be?"

"Well, now, someone from Swahili wouldn't look like that, now would she?"

"I suppose not. Back to you, Jennie."

Thanks, Jen. Ms. Peralto has just concluded her remarks with a passionate call for the acceptance of Swedish speakers in everyday American life. Let's see what our other political analyst, Dennis Miller, has to say.

"I don't think any Swede has had that much exposure on national television since the Swedish Chef tried to take off Gonzo's head. And speaking of disgusting critters, did you get a load of the catering? You could find better stuff in a Spinal Tap dressing room."

Thanks Dennis. Let us know what the score is, will you?

Looking at the lineup for the evening, it appears that the rest of the speakers will be old, fat ugly white guys talking about economics and how they wish their penises were as big as tank guns. So the AOL/TimeWarner Newschannel will be concluding our convention coverage now in order to bring you reruns of the hearing on brown lettuce conducted by the Senate Select Committee on Household Pests.

Sorry about that, folks. We need all the ratings help we can get. Good night.

Jon Worley thinks conventions were much more fun when every delegate carried a gun.