It seems to me that by focusing only on career politicians, Al Gore and George W. Bush are overlooking some extraordinary folks who might make fine vice presidents. I'm gonna ignore the fact that Bush picked Dick Cheney, since that wasn't so much a selection as a cop-out, and speculate on some real choices.

For example, if you want to take the first word of the term "vice president" seriously, both Gore and Bush have obvious selections. Gore would do well to pick Ron Jeremy, porn star cum indie film impresario. Even if you think you don't know who he is, turn on E! and scan the celebrity crowds. He's the short, fat white guy with an afro. I've read a few "legitimate" interviews with him (he's something of a celebrity hound), and he's always struck me as a funny guy. And there's certainly no questioning his manhood.

Bush could have gone the same way and chosen Sydney Biddle Barrows, the Mayflower Madam. It's been a while since her prison term, and anyway, it never hurts to have an attractive, seasoned female on the ticket. I'm thinking she could dish as well as she gets, and then some. Better yet, her opponent in the debate just might be someone who appeared in her notebook with the notation "s.d." next to his name. There goes that manhood thing again.

Alright, so those are truely "out there" choices. Why not turn to the more mainstream entertainment realms. Bush could always have tapped Bruce Willis, who is in dire need of career boost despite the aftershocks from The Sixth Sense. He's also a personable guy who would bring a number of women voters over to the Republican side. Possible added bonus: He could sing at his own inauguration.

Though she's not old enough, Ani DiFranco would certainly be a colorful choice on the Democratic side. She's rather outspoken, good looking (in a tatooed and multiple piercings kinda way) and can use a guitar as a lethal weapon. Possible downside: After years of accepting accolades from the lesbian press (and having a girlfriend or few), DiFranco moved in with a man in 1995 and has since married him. Her spot on the ticket might create a few more Log Cabin Republicans.

Now, if Al really wanted to piss off a bunch of Republicans, he ought go for Toni Morrison. On the plus side, there's that Nobel Prize. and I would guess that she'd be a lot of fun on the stump. Which leads to the downside. Her rhetoric is often anti-male and anti-white, though I think she lobs bombs more for fun than out of absolute conviction. Like I said, she'd be good to piss off lots of right-wing nut cases.

W could have done the same by selecting Johnny Hart, creator of the B.C. comic strip. The guy who came up with the "cute chick" and the "fat chick" and other lovely characters is always fiery in defense of his strip. Get him and Morrison on stage together, and only one will survive. Downside: Who reads B.C. any more?

Of course, there's the one perfect choice for either party. The one person who would lend immediate sex appeal, project a properly macho image and espouse rock-solid moral values: Russell Crowe. In his last two movies he's portrayed a man who stands up for right even though in each film that stand ruins his life. Bonuses: He looks good with or without a shirt, and he just might bring along Jodie Foster as his inaugural escort. There is the one hitch: He's Australian, and thus ineligible.

Well, hell. Back to the drawing board. Maybe Dick Cheney and John Edwards (or whoever) don't look so bad now.

Who am I kidding? Of course they do.

Jon Worley has only one qualification for his own vice president: A capacity for consumption of mass quantities of fermented malted product.