The fine folks at Bob Jones University in South Carolina ask their white students to avoid dating black students. They ask their black students to avoid dating white students. To their way of thinking, I guess, they're positively progressive merely by dint of allowing said students to attend the same university.

None of this would matter, really, if George W. Bush hadn't found himself (gasp!) in the middle of an honest-to-God race for the Republican nomination for president. After all, he had already paved the streets with gold. What else do good Republicans want?

After losing badly in New Hampshire, G.W. decided he needed to upgrade his conservative credentials in South Carolina. Thus the visit to Bob Jones. John McCain, no sissy-boy when it comes to playing hardball politics, hasn't let up bitching about the visit since it happened.

But I don't really care much about that. Presidential candidates speak wherever they think votes might be won. If the Satanic Union of America had a decent following, all the major candidates would speak there in an instant.

No, I'm more curious how Bob Jones University would go about prosecuting an honor code violation on the racial dating policy.

Honor Court: Where you, or were you not, on a date with Lucy Jones on Friday night?

Defendant: Define date.

HC: An intimate evening spent by two people with the expressed purpose of enhancing an emotional bond.

D: Then it definitely wasn't a date.

HC: It wasn't?

D: The evening wasn't particularly intimate. We had a couple of Famous Star burgers down at the Hardees. Hard to be intimate at a Hardees.

HC: But you like Miss Jones.

D: Sure. Everyone likes Lucy.

HC: And did you hope that Miss Jones liked you?

D: Absolutely.

HC: And this wasn't a date?

D: Well, see, I was just hoping to get some, you know?

HC: Get some what?

D: Action, tail... you know what I mean.

HC: That's another honor code violation altogether.

D: I didn't get any, so there's no honor code violation.

HC: But you desired sexual gratification from Miss Jones. You must concede that this was indeed a date.

D: I wasn't after an emotional bond. I was just hoping for a hummer.

HC: I think for the purposes of this court, an expressed intent of "getting some" must be construed as a date.

D: If you say so. That still doesn't change the fact that it's not a crime to date anyone.

HC: But Miss Jones is black.

D: She looks kinda brown to me.

HC: You know what I mean.

D: Not really. I mean, this really begs the question, does it not? What is black? How black is black? You know, Tiger Woods has a black daddy and a Thai momma. Is he Asian or is he black?

HC: He's black. More than one-eighth black blood makes you black.

D: Is this the tryouts for the Irish soccer team? If I've got a black great-grandpa, I'm on the side?

HC: Something like that.

D: Then we're all clear here. I'm at least one-eighth black. Maybe even five-thirty-seconds black.

HC: But on your admission statement you said you were white.

D: I know, blue eyes and blond hair and all. I kinda look like a white guy. But if you've got these weird rules, then hell, half of South Carolina's got to be black. Maybe all of it.

HC: That's really not the point.

D: No, the point is that I'm black, I guess Lucy Jones is black and we're all cool here. Can I go now?

HC: You understand that you can only date black students?

D: But men or women, right? No exclusions there. I mean, this isn't a gay-bashing thing as well, is it?

HC: Refer to your honor code manual, page 13. It specifically states...

Just the damnedest thing, isn't it? Personally, I think that if you're stupid enough to go to Bob Jones University in the first place, you deserve whatever crap they lay on you. But even the dumbest law student can see the holes in this policy. The whole thing is retarded.

Oh, wait, that was impolitic of me. I think I'll stop while I'm ahead.

Jon Worley meant "retarded" in the Afghan Whigs sense of the word, not the Benny sense of the word.