But when I helped a friend move last weekend, I learned some hard lessons that I thought I'd share. Follow these tips and you'll prevent my pain from becoming yours.

1) When helping a friend move, it is important to make sure that your friend has already packed BEFORE you arrive.

2) If your friend HASN'T yet finished packing, a pleasant way to pass the time is to hit on his 18-year-old baby sister.

3) When that doesn't work, it is always entertaining to watch said baby sister and her two high school girlfriends satirize lesbians. Sure, they may be displaying politically incorrect homophobic tendencies, but they are, nonetheless, groping each other in a pleasantly authentic manner.

4) After the young girls leave, unfortunately, you're going to have to help pack boxes. But it's a perfect time to search for blackmail possibilities.

5) When helping a friend move, it is also important to keep yippy little rat dogs locked away somewhere so that when you try to step somewhere, the yippy little rat dog doesn't trip you and force you to sail headlong over boxes of pointy objects and breakable things and then, to prevent yourself from landing on, say, a mirror or a great big machete or even that stupid little yappy dog, reach out and grab the breast of your friend's 23-year-old sister, who is standing there next to her boyfriend, who is a really, really big water patrolman with lots of muscles and guns.

6) But if either sister does NOT have a boyfriend big enough to tie you in knots, the Stupid Little Rat Dog excuse works really well!

7) Just in case, you might want to keep a Stupid Little Rat Dog in your trunk next to all your other emergency equipment that might come in handy someday, like a flashlight, spare tire, blanket, bottle of wine and 10-year-old condom purchased in a gas station bathroom.

8) Now this is a CRITICAL suggestion. When moving a friend, it is vital that you wear shorts that aren't worn out. If you do this step, you won't even need to worry about the following steps.

9) If you wear shorts that ARE worn out, remember to wear underwear.

10) If you wear shorts that ARE worn out, AND you forgot to wear underwear, make sure to NOT squat as you set something heavy on the ground.

11) If you wear shorts that ARE worn out, AND you forgot to wear underwear, and you accidentally SQUATTED as you set something heavy on the ground, that RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIPPP! sound you will hear is the death of Poor Uncle Todd's Favorite Hawaiian Shorts.

12) Incidentally, try not to remain fixed in that position in horror, because the neighbor's Enormous Black Lab Of Death (e-BLoD) will turn up to put his Cold Nose Of Massive Embarrassment (c-NoME) in your business (bottom).

13) And given that you are quite some distance from where you can get a pair of underwear, WATCH WHERE YOU SIT. You could, as I did, come up with a whole new meaning to the phrase, "bumming a cigarette."

14) It is also important, when you agree to help a friend move, that you know what other friends he has asked to help as well. You don't want to be the only private in a moving group full of general-wannabes.

15) As a caveat, when you help a friend of yours move who happens to have asked a couple rednecks to help as well, try not to be a long-haired goth boy.

16) And if you ARE a goth boy, particularly one who is prone to what Joey on Friends calls "going commando"? Try not to split your pants.

17) Coz I'm here to tell you, that redneck isn't going to react well to suggestions that he's staring at your butt.

18) Especially if you're offering him a rather crumpled cigarette.

Todd Foltz certainly isn't a long-haired goth freak who like to go commando. He's a high-placed editor in the food publishing business. Though the two aren't necessarily mutually exclusive...