Pernicious Influences, Part One: Thomism
by Bill Kaul
Roll over, beet oven.
That's what the kids said when they broke into our beet bakery last night and trashed the oven. They pushed it right over into the dirt. Broke in two pieces. Now I got a dozen angry customers demanding baked beets and I got nothing to give them. Damn kids, juvenile delinquents is what they are, brats. Getting all crazed on drugs, reading small press literary magazines, donning gargoyle faces representing the seven deadly sins, and running amok, destroying the businesses of honest folks...well, sort of honest anyway...profit oriented, but with a real concern for customer safety and real value. That kind of honest.
Hi. My name is Herbert and I am a member of the NRA. I am very concerned about our children. They are going crazy. We can't seem to make them stop behaving this way.*
And it's all because of that Notre Dame church. You know, the one in Paris. It has a direct effect on the youth of the world, specifically the kids of European-Christian descent, and it has been exerting this effect for years. I say it's time something was done. This cathedral has been exuding its anti-family vibes for over eight centuries now, and we continue to ignore it. Anti-family. Yes. When will the Christian Coalition march on Paris? When will Ralph Reed cast the first prayer handkercheif at the Great Satan on the Seine?
I'll let it be known right now that these "builder societies" who were responsible for Gothic renewal and design implementation were of the devil! So-called "New Age" cathedral builders, with no concern for family values like incest--a great Euro-American tradition--and wife-beating and fearmongering and using sticks and paddles and strips of leather on tender young behinds for their own good. No concern at all for these proud family values, for God's own tools: hiding the truth behind lipstick smiles and glossy hard helmet hair and pipe smoke and shiny slacks. These guys wore robes and talked about Mithraic Mysteries as they built that place! Imagine!
Do you think the labyrinths drawn on the floors of cathedrals were just for fun? Little design plasticity? Ha! This is why our kids are the hellions they are today--they have nothing to be ashamed of. No honest fear of law and order. These Thomist unsocialized brats think that, because of the cathedral--which, don't forget, is in France--they can terrorize the populace, wrecking car dealerships just for fun, stealing anything they want: no respect for property at all.
Gargoyle faces, and saints climbing staircases to heaven, and soaring arches and heavy stones and stained glass psychedelia: all can be traced to ancient Greece, that damned Aristotle, and on through the Arabs and Jews and right into the nave of that Gothic transmitter of disrespect for God and Country. There are two hundred of us right now in this town who are our own lawyers.
We get drunk and we ride around in our vehicles with guns because we are the Second Amendment Truth and Justic Committee. United We Stand. All that. We live in ranch-style houses and go to honest brick churches with little steeples and tract racks and metal crosses out front.
We stick together.
But when I tell my friends--and we are our own lawyers, did I tell you that?--they just laugh, ha ha. Cathedral--? they scoff. It's the homosexual liberal ecofeminist spineless hug-a-tree axis that we have to worry about, Herb, not no damn cathedral! They can't see the forest for the spires, friends.
Who, after all, is buried in the pyramids of Egypt? Pharaohs, that's right--and if there's one thing that's more dangerous than Notre Dame it's those awful pyramids. Bad enough they got 'em over there in Egypt but now they built one right here in Memphis Tennessee USA too. Don't expect to find any pharaohs in there, friend--they put a crystal skull and a black man who plays the blues in there.
Pure anti-family, unchristian proabortion disrepectful tomfoley tomfoolery...that's what.
I found a replica of a Gothic cathedral under my son's bed last week. You think I stood still for that? Not likely! I right away beat the tar out of him and sent him out to get a real job where he can make money and stuff like that. I won't have any of that medieval scholasticism in my house, so siree bob. I told him, too-- "Next thing, mister, you'll be trying to tell me that a little Aguinas or Augustine is no big deal, all the other kids are doing it, speculating about whether logic can prove the existence of God, but not in my house. No sir!" I told him, plain out.
Notre Dame is also repsonsible for our lack of fiscal responsibility. No many folks know that but it's so.
I did a study: I put thirty tax-and-spend democrats in a room with a gargoyle and a piece of stained glass, and what do you think happened--?
Well, they might very well have gone out and spent five or six hundred years and thousands of get off welfare workers and built another damn cathedral. And I bet they would have built it in Washington, D.C., too, instead of in Norfolk, VA.
It just goes to show that Arthur Conan Doyle was right. You can't paint a fairy and expect to come away with a man, with a manly desire.
I have a crew coming in to clean up and fix my oven. After that, I am offcially going to go and get drunk and shoot my guns at federal officers because that is a real manly American no-Gothic cathedral loving thing to do. Then I'm going to buy a briefcase and put lots of papers in it and find young people to enlist in my cause.
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