I should have made up my mind by now, but two days before the election, I still haven't been able to commit to any presidential candidate. This is the first time I've been without a candidate I believed in enough to confidently push his name come Big Phat Tuesday. Since I live in the state of New Mexico, seven names are eligible for my consideration, and they each cry out for my vote. But which one is right for me? Why can't I make up my mind? Why is that Snickers ad the best thing to come out of the 2000 campaign? Here's why:

George W. Bush (Republican)--The front runner. The son of a President. Not the smartest of individuals. Detrimental to the environment. Will grant favors to corporations and the rich in general. But he's personable. I've always said if you're going to be rich and conniving, you might as well be friendly about it. I have never voted for the Republican presidential candidate, and I really don't want to start with this guy. He's an idiot. Republicans picked him as their candidate before he even decided to run. I would have seriously considered McCain for the job, but those days are long gone. I honestly can't figure out why Bush ahead in the polls, but I honestly can't figure out the majority of the country either.

Al Gore (Democrat) --The status quo. The son of a Senator. The Veep. The wooden board. Sometimes he'll hug and kiss you, and sometimes he'll shake your hand. Whatever his advisors think the majority of people would like him to do. Gore is intelligent, likes the environment and technology, and can hold his with anyone in a debate. A good robot. He's supposed to be the successor to Clinton, my favorite president. But where is Clinton? Where's the best speechmaker in the business? Clinton can talk a nun into a private fifteen minute deeply religious consultation, but he's not next to Al Gore. He's not even in the same state as Al Gore. That's the way Al Gore wants it. If Gore can't stand to be near Clinton, why in the world should I vote for him? If you don't like my best friend, then why should I like you?

Ralph Nader (Green)--The monkey wrench. The consumer advocate. The other guy. Big on working class rights, pro-environment, and liberal causes. Wants to ban soft money (which feels nicer than hard money when you rub it against your face). Guaranteed not to win. His goal is to obtain five percent of the vote, so he can get federal money for the next election. I'm a big believer in the third party, and New Mexico is a big Green state (five to ten percent). Whenever I don't know who to pick for minor offices, I always go Green. It accomplishes very little except I can fantasize for a moment for a representative who doesn't have a (D) or (R) in front of their name. A pipe dream vote, but I do own a little pipe. My likely vote if I'm in an altered state.

Pat Buchanan (Reform)--I'm not angry enough at America to vote for this guy. Even Ross Perot is endorsing Bush.

John Hagelin (Natural Law)--The split-off candidate from the Reform Party. When you can't create unity among a few thousand people, what's the point of trying to appeal to millions?

Harry Browne (Libertarian)--I've always thought of myself as a social libertarian. "Leave me and my stuff alone. I'm not hurting you." But then there's all that no taxes blather they talk about. We still need the roads paved, guys.

Howard Phillips (Constitution)--Ummm...I believe in the Constitution.

I've heard appeals for the candidates from every angle. The TV, the radio, street signs, the telephone, my dad, co-workers, strangers, pollsters, and none of them have given me a convincing argument for anyone.

Vote Bush because he's got a really good chance of winning, and you want to be a winner, right? Vote for Gore because you really don't want Bush. Vote Nader to piss off the Democrats. Since New Mexico is a swing state (and it's really swinging here), find someone in a Gore strong state to trade votes with, so you can get your Nader vote and still fight Bush. Vote for the little guys, so no matter who wins you can say 'Don't blame me, I voted for Blah Blah.' I've pretty much tuned out everyone's political view for the last couple weeks.

Don't worry, everyone, I'll end up voting for someone. I have a degree in political science, so I'm pretty much obligated to participate in elections until I die. Just remember this little tidbit of information when you discover who we have to deal with for the next four years:

America doesn't always select the best candidate for president, but we always get who we deserve.

Chris Jungle will be eligible to run for president in 2012 and is now accepting campaign contributions (the softer, the better).