10. Basement Jaxx‹Remedy
Steve Forbes, Orrin Hatch, Alan Keyes say no to any campaign finance reform, but offer to push for "full disclosure" in exchange for any kind of limits. Everyone else wants to ban soft money and other forms of campaign contributions. Gore and Bradley want free TV time from the networks.

9. Fantastic Plastic Machine‹Luxury
Democrats support a $1 minimum wage increase over 2 years (currently it is $5.15 an hour, which comes to $10,712 a year for a 40 hour work week‹before taxes), while all Republicans are against it. Except for G.W. Bush, who is for an increase if there is a provision to allow states to opt out if they want. How about we have a 100% tax increase, but everyone can just not pay if they don't want to? Kiss both my asses please.

8. Other Star People‹Diamonds in the Belly of the Dog
Gary Bauer, G.W. Bush and Al Gore favor "encouraging" religious and other volunteer groups to take care of those in poverty. Apparently the reason most people are poor is because they are the wrong faith‹not because they don't get paid enough. Alan Keyes goes a little farther by saying that welfare should be abolished and the money be put into "marriage incentives" for two-parent families. Buchanan sees the whole thing as the fault of the states and wants to take the federal government out of it. So I guess the answer isn't a livable wage or federal subsidy‹it's all about where you live, who you have sex with and what church you go to. Y'know, all those freedoms we supposedly hold dear.

7. Red Hot Chili Peppers‹Californication
On guns, Democrats want more limitations on gun commerce. The single battle cry of the Republicans is "enforce existing laws." Because that's the problem, see. It's the dealers, not the shooters. But a couple go beyond that statement. Alan Keyes sees gun ownership as an essential right so citizens can "resist and overthrow the power responsible" if their rights are "systematically violated." Buchanan wants "no compromise" on existing gun rights. G.W., however, wants to raise the handgun buying age to 21. This is the handgun buying age in much of the country‹but probably not in Texas.

6. NOFX‹The Decline
Almost universal support by Republicans for federal money being used to put children in private schools. Democrats are opposed. Public education, however is another story. Bauer, Keyes and Buchanan want the federal government out of the public education business. Hatch wants federal money to pay for school buildings. Bill Bradley wants teachers to be forgiven of their student loans if they commit to working in bad schools. Bush wants to give money to schools, but if test scores lag, then the money goes elsewhere. Also wants tax free accounts for parents to put money away for their children's college. Forbes wants federal grants to pay for whatever schooling the parents want. Gore is for incentives to potential teachers. $10,000 to switch to education and another 10K for teaching at "bad schools."

5. Nine Inch Nails‹The Fragile
Bush, Forbes, Keyes and McCain favor letting workers put part of their Social Security into private investment accounts. Gore and Bradley say no. Bauer says no, but that payroll taxes should be cut by 20 percent. Buchanan babbles incoherently about "privatization." Never mind that most people can't manage a checking account‹they'll be fine investors on their own.

4. The Roots‹things fall apart
Bradley, Bush, Gore, Hatch and McCain favor free trade agreements and letting China in the World Trade Organization. Buchanan would like to build a really big wall‹bigger than the one in China, dammit‹around the U.S. Bauer and Forbes put religious and other freedoms above free trade. Keyes thinks free trade is tantamount to "socialism." But we've got Paxil, and I hear it clears up that "socialism" thing just fine.

3. Self‹Breakfast With Girls
Everyone says up military spending except Bradley. Bush and McCain are for raises in personnel pay. Buchanan, already at Defcon 1, calls to "retrench and rearm." Only the democrats favor supporting the nuclear test ban treaty, because what is good about having a lot of missiles if you can't shoot a few off every once in a while?

2. Tom Waits‹Mule Variations
Bauer, Bush, Forbes, Keyes, Hatch and McCain are for expanding medical savings accounts. I'm not sure who has these things, but I'm pretty sure they aren't the same people who don't have any health coverage. Bradley and Gore have big lists of things to do to fix health care‹pushing towards universal coverage, starting with women and children. Buchanan thinks people should be able to invest their Medicare benefits in the stock market for their old age frailties. Okay, so we don't want to let people have abortions, but we also don't want to pay for the delivery and subsequent life care either. Shouldn't there be a middle ground?

1. Beck‹Midnight Vultures
Bauer and Buchanan are for a 16% flat tax with various exemptions. Forbes puts it at 17% with tons of exemptions. Bradley and Gore are for "targeted" cuts, with favoritism toward those with earned income tax credits. Keyes wants a national sales tax. McCain wants to expand the number of people paying in the lowest bracket‹15%. And Trump‹who wasn't asked any of these other questions, wants to tax the really rich one time to knock out the federal deficit in one year. How about we tax them 2 times and set up universal health care?

Matt Worley would raise the top tier tax bracket, cut exemptions for persons making over a million a year, eliminate corporate exemptions, eliminate taxes for those who make less than $20,000 a year, take a large section of the defense spending and put it towards education, work towards universal health care, trade with whoever will shake his hand without spitting, raise the minimum wage to $7.50 over a year, take money from anyone who supports him but offer no free nights in the Lincoln bedroom, and increase the NEA budget by 2000%.