Since the official election day of this year is gone, that means we're less than a year from the big one. Election 2000. I'm wondering how many different campaign sign designs made with stars, stripes and only the American palate of colors (red, white and blue) the candidates' graphic design team will be able to come up with this time. Can't we do something different? Do we have to be almost monochromatic with our campaign propaganda? Doesn't anyone want to stretch?

But winning the presidency isn't like launching any old advertising campaign. It's about doing exactly what everyone has done in the past, except with different names. I'm already bored with these people, and, to make it worse, it looks like the most colorful candidates are just playing. I'd vote for Warren Beatty, I really would. He's been in some really interesting movies, which is much more important, I think, than some boring autobiography-slash-campaign platform book that all the other candidates have been filling buyabook.com with lately.

Bonnie & Clyde, Shampoo, Reds (well, I haven't seen it, but I hear it's really self-indulgent and long, so that's got to be interesting), Bullworth and Bugsy. This is much better than McCain, who not only wants to clean up campaign fundraising, he wants to make comedians grow a conscience. Can you imagine all the handicap and Vietnam jokes that won't ever make the air if McCain makes it into the White House? If we can't make fun of our president's weaknesses, what the hell is he good for?

George W. Bush--or aging fratboy with a trust fund--would bring a bit of swagger to the White House. But, think about it, Clinton has more swagger than any President will have before or after. No President is gonna have "The buck stops here" printed on his underwear anymore. It's just not going to happen. They'll just go back to setting up clandestine hotel room rendezvous with infatuated secretaries once again. But G.W. would bring many comedic opportunities to the table. For one thing, he's from Texas--a goldmine for comedy. Nothing like making fun of a state that likes to point out how big they are--even though at least 3/4 of the land is a wasteland of dried up oil fields and stinking stock yards. Houston even overtook L.A. as the dirtiest city in the nation, which makes since to me. I always thought Houston was the asshole of the nation.

Trump would be interesting, too. Here's a guy who has a lot of experience taking other people's money and actually making more money with it. Rather than the usual government scam of taking other people's money, spending all of it and then asking for more--with no discernible benefit to show for the money already spent. And he could put out a calendar called "Trump's Chicks--Twelve months in the sex life of the Prez." We haven't had a bachelor in the White House since, like, forever--much less a rich, twice-divorced bachelor. That's got to be the best come on line ever-- "I'm the President." Straightforward, and yet very appealing to drunk women.

All the Democrats have are Gore and Bradley. Gore's got a good name, but the only think we can really make fun of him for is his ability to never be truly animated. Well that and Tipper. Which is why I never could bring myself to really get behind Gore. His wife got all freaked out because one of her daughter's asked the question, "What does 'masturbation with a magazine' mean, mom?" after listening to Prince's Purple Rain. But if you think about it, this could explain Al's stiffness. His wife is so freaked about sex, she can't explain what 'masturbation' means to her daughter. Granted, Tipper couldn't just take her daughter to see American Pie--a genuine sex ed film for the millennium if I ever saw one--back then. But I don't see that as a valid excuse.

And Bradley, what can I say? An ex-NBA giant who won't disclose his preferred religion, won't take special interest money, and won't make anyone really excited about politics--no one. Not even the people behind him. They're not really excited about Bradley, so much as they are excited about being able to back someone other than Gore. They feel like rebels. And I guess you have to get an anti-establishment rush from anywhere you can get it these days. But just because Bradley quit the Senate in a huff about the state of politics in America doesn't make you a rebel. Especially when the guy went on to make millions in the private sector for talking about how he quit the Senate in a huff about the state of politics in America. I think some people need to watch Star Wars a few more times to really know what it's like to be a Rebel, y'know, with a capital R.

So there it is. The first official round of Presidential Campaign jokes for Election 2000. Me? I'm still gonna vote for Ralph Nader, just because we could call him the Presidenti-Nader. That's all I need from the leader of the free world. And this chair. That's all I need. And another drink. Okay, Presidenti-Nader, this chair and another drink. That's all I need...

Matt Worley cannot run for President until the 2008 election, which bums him out sometimes.