Way back in the ninth grade I did a project for my English class. I wrote a story about how we'd all be taking pills instead of eating actual food in the future. I believed it at the time, but as I grew up, I realized how much fun it was to eat good food. No one would give up eating food, would they? Not for swallowing pills. Pills are like medicine, and no one likes taking medicine.

Well, we're not up to giving up food yet--although what passes for fast food these days isn't very close to real food. But we still like eating chunks of vegetables and meat, or things that look and feel a lot like them. And despite the craze for dietary supplements, we're not giving up on snacks just yet either.

But I think medicine has become the fifth food group. You can take a pill to cure anything. You can even have sex on demand--which makes Viagra the best candidate for recreational pharmaceutical misuse in the next millennium. That little blue pill will be the next party drug--even Hugh Hefner and his 20-year-old twins endorse it.

Everything else can be cured with a pill, too. Anything you can think of (except cancer and AIDS, although lots of pills are used to control these diseases) has its own pill.

And all of the pills--especially prescription pills requiring a doctor's permission--are advertised on TV. Usually scenes of wide open spaces (signaling in the viewer that freedom is near, because no one actually lives in wide open spaces anymore) and pleasant sounding voices explaining why we have to go see our doctor now run over people flying kites and laughing. The kicker to these ads is always the side-effect list. The huge litany of things that might happen to you if you take the product. Fix one thing, get 10 other problems in exchange.

Cure baldness, but gain sexual dysfunction. Cure sexual dysfunction, lose your hair. Cure allergies, get irritable bowel syndrome. Cure irritable bowel syndrome and get hives. Cure depression, lose interest in sex. And if your wife or girlfriend handles the pills, watch out--three-eyed babies.

The newest problem is called Social Anxiety Disorder (or SAD). Apparently it is the third most common psychiatric disorder in the United States with 10 million people suffering. I'm guessing you have to have a large number of people suffering to make cures these days, no point in mass producing a cure that would only help a hundred people or so.

SAD is a lot like shyness, embarrassment, nervousness or regular old depression--but it's a lot worse than that. It makes people afraid of meeting other people, makes them nervous about talking to others. And rather than just drinking a beer or two and jumping into life like the rest of us, these people sit at home and watch TV all the time. Much like depression--but it's not depression, see. It's SAD.

Anyway, there's a new pill for SAD sufferers. If you're not sure if you're a SAD sufferer, they have a nice test you can take online (www.paxil.com) to find out if you need more pills in your life.

Questions are answered on a scale of 1 to 5 and include: I am afraid of people in authority (does this include cops?). I am bothered by blushing in front of people. Parties and social events scare me. I avoid talking to people I don't know. Being criticized scares me a lot. And there are more, mostly slight variations on these same questions. The thing I've noticed about psychological exams (and I took a lot of psychology class in college, so I've seen a few) is that there are only a few real questions, but they are asked in about five different ways to see if this changes the testees answer.

I'm sorry if anyone reading this has SAD, but this is just sad.

These pills are being marketed to people "who have trouble asking someone out on a date." Isn't that a little trivial for prescribed medication? There are a few easy cures for this disease. One is called alcohol. Now maybe this isn't the preferred method of cure, but what's the difference between a couple of drinks to loosen the head and mouth and a few pills that do the same. At least you'll be entertaining as you conquer your fears. The side effects of alcohol (includes nausea, vomiting, drunk driving, impotence and possible addiction) are just as annoying as Paxil (try somnolence, insomnia, agitation, tremor, anxiety, dizziness, constipation, nausea, diarrhea, flatulence, dry mouth, vomiting, abnormal ejaculation, sweating, and impotence), but you don't have to see a doctor for a prescription.

Other cures include these suggestions: Turn the TV off. Get out of the damn house. Go to the bar, the coffee house or the library. It's not hard and if your hands are shaking, just tell people you've had just a bit too much java.

Get a life, not more pills.

Matt Worley, if taken internally, can cause irritation, edginess, a general distrust of mankind and manic/depression. Pregnant or married women should just stay away. May also cause addiction if taken in large doses, a condition for which there is no known cure.