Talk about not living up to the hype.

I had this feeling last year that 1999 was gonna be a fun year. Fun, as in lots of weird stuff happening. Like, more than usual on a planet with almost 6 billion people living on it. But so far, 1999 has been a dud.

The biggest furor has been about Jar Jar Binks. A computer animated character in the first Star Wars film has been one of the most discussed (and decried) "events" of the year. Is he racist? Is he just dumb? Is he a he? And will we have to see him in the next two movies?

There was the Columbine High School shootings, but there have been school shootings going on every year for quite a while now. This one was, apparently, the "last straw" for the American people. But a few months later, no one worries about it anymore. Congress even saw fit to make it a non-issue by striking down every piece of legislation proposed in light of the tragedy. It is summertime, y'know, we shouldn't have to think that hard about bad things.

And this weekend, another tragedy occurred. John John (JFK, Jr.), his wife and sister-in-law have, most likely, died in a plane crash. But this isn't a millennium thing. This is an accident.

Where is the big time carnage? Where are the buildings blowing up (y'know, not involved in actual wars)? Where are the crazy armed robbers? Where are the riots and burning and pillaging and everything like that?

The most interesting trend in crime this year is the high percentage of "kamikaze" runs. A murderer in the upper midwest goes on a shooting spree and then kills himself. The Columbine kids shoot themselves. It seems like the idea is to get all the rage and idiocy out and then decide there's no way in hell they're going to spend the next millennium in jail--so they turn the trigger on themselves. It does save us all long drawn out court battles--which is nice.

But I thought there would be more--certainly by halfway through 1999.

Everything about 1999 has been predictable. Star Wars Episode One (despite Jar Jar) has made almost 400 million domestically. The U.S. Women's Soccer Team won the World Cup. Internet stocks are still going up.

There was a war, but it was a polite war. If we bombed the wrong things, we apologized. Kind of like wearing a safety helmet to play a video game.

Everything is too safe!

Maybe everyone else--all the crazies, malcontents, and schitzos--are just waiting for the sign.

I thought something might go down a few weeks ago, when it was reported that we were nearing the BIG prophecy of Nostradamus (the big, 26-year war was to have started sometime this month--either near the first full moon around July 4 or later in the month). I thought, here's our chance. We've just been saving up. Now the big guns are gonna fly.

But, alas, no.

I've got to say, I'm disappointed. I don't pay for 65 cable channels for all the golf, car racing and infomercials. No, I want to be able to switch to at least half of these channels and find out we're all talking about the same thing. Something horrible and graphic and insane. Something we'll have to have a national day of healing to recover from. Something really really really bad.

But no, the golf, car racing and infomercials go on without a care and I'm stuck watching the edited version of "Weird Science" on TNT.

There's half a year left, everyone. Time to get your jollies out while you still can. Once we get into 2000, we'll have all those stories about how bad or not so bad the Y2K bug has screwed up the world. No room for psycho gunmen in that media bum rush.

So this is a call to all of you nutso people out there. Get cracking on your pre-millennium tension plans. We've got 24 hours of news to fill, talk shows to watch and chat rooms to fill with our inane comments about your crazy crazy crazy worldview.

Everything is in place for the party, now all we need is the spark.

Matt Worley is not planning a rampage--gun-crazed or otherwise--to commemorate the passing of 1999.