After getting my taxes done, I had to face facts. Y2K is coming and there's nothing I can do about it. So, to protect myself from what might be the greatest screw up by humans of all time, I went around my house checking for signs of non-compliance. And I want to be in compliance.

First and foremost, my computer. Luckily, the wise men who put Apple computers together realized that someday there would be a time when the human race was in the 21st century, so they fixed the Y2K problem by never having one.

Macs, which are not the most popular kind of computer by a long shot, have always been immune to the Y2K bug (actually more of a manufacturers defect than a virus). You see, instead of letting someone else fix it later--which, admittedly has produced a nice side job for many a hacker--Macs have never had this eventuality. They were built correctly.

So if you're really worried about the possibility of computer problems in the new year, but don't think you can wait to buy a new machine, buy a Mac. At least this way you won't have to pay extra to make sure it works past December 31st.

There is something to be said for forward thinking.

For all of you working on computers with Windows, I'll let you in on a little secret. The new Windows (I think they're calling it Windows2000--catchy, huh?) is supposed to be completely free of the Y2K problem. Unlike Windows98--even though the Y2K problem had already been discovered and worried about when that bad boy hit the market.

There is something to be said for being the McDonald's of the computer world. It may work like shit, but it's cheap.

But enough of my bitching, I've got a long way to go before I sleep.

So once the big problem has been addressed, I moved on to smaller appliances.

The TV: doesn't care what day it is, just the time.
The VCR: doesn't care what year, just the day and the time.
The stereo: doesn't even know what time it is.
My clock radio: no date.
Candles: need to pick up more candles.
My car: my mechanic told me that he couldn't contact the onboard computer, but that this might not be a problem since the car is running fine otherwise. Besides, I don't have the cash for exploratory surgery on my car right now.
The microwave: other than leaking dangerous radiation every time we use it, everything is fine.
The stove: it's gas.
The fridge: it's cold.
Condoms: they expire before 2000. Might have to get more of those.
Allergy medicine: constant use means constant turnover.
Clothes: circa the early '90s. Keep and wait for retro-grunge to happen.
Vegetables: should throw out that moldy stuff in the far corner of the fridge. Ditto the three-year-old frozen vegetable medley.
Popcorn: stocked till the year 2020.

So it seems as though my world is Y2K problem free.

The FAA says they're fine. And the electric/gas company. And the phone company. And probably all those other things people are stocking up on ramen or tomato sauce or macaroni and cheese to protect against are fine as well--or will be by the time we hit the big 00.

You see, there's this machine called business going on. And no one wants to be the business that screws it all up for everyone else. Because that's bad business. Now big business may not care about screwing over individuals or groups of individuals, but screw themselves over by hurting their stock outlook, causing worldwide alarm and melting in the face of a simple coding problem? No way.

So I'm not worried. Every once in a while I think that unforeseen screw ups might happen, and then I remember about dead air.

Dead air is when a radio station is broadcasting nothing. It's the worst thing that can happen because no matter what, the radio station is broadcasting, so money is leaving with no hope of return. And if dead is air is sent out, no one will want to listen. This is why we keep doing the columns every week, by the way, because we're afraid of dead air.

And so is big business. Because dead air is no kind of business at all.

Matt Worley is full of dead air, but at least he's Y2K compliant.