When I was eight or so, I used to salivate over the possibilities of winning the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes. My mom usually told me that there was no way in the world we would actually win the million dollars (it was only a million back in the late 70s, not the "mind-boggling" 12 million of today). I looked through all the rules and regulations, stuck all the stickers and stamps where they were supposed to go and got it all nice and pretty for that nameless drone who would pluck the envelope from his work stack and punch our number into the database as one of the potential winners.

It didn't matter that we never won. I figured that our turn would come around sooner or later. They gave a million bucks away twice a year, which meant every year two more people were knocked out of the running. I liked those odds. My mom indulged my sweepstakes sweet tooth by allowing me to use a valuable stamp (I think they were around 20 cents back then) to send our 1 in a billion chance back to the company. We never bought any magazines, and we never won.

I know I'm never going to win the sweepstakes. You wanna know why? Because I don't even send them back anymore. I used to (at the urging of my grandmother who swore a friend of a friend of a friend won once) send every single sweepstakes back for my chance to bypass that pesky "work" part of life. And you know what you win when you send every sweepstakes back? You win more chances to enter more sweepstakes. You get put on the national "chump" list.

Don't worry, I'm off the chump list now. But apparently a lot of people aren't and they're hopping mad their dreams haven't come true yet. Not only are some of them mad, but they're retaining lawyers and filing lawsuits.

You see, in America, when the American dream (which is to never work EVER and still have that million dollar house in Malibu) doesn't come true, the easiest way to force "the dream" is to point a blind finger and sue.

"You didn't give me the 12 million, and I went out and bought too much stuff and now I'm not only broke, but I'm devastated--so give me the twelve million in damages because my life sucks now," the poor guy sobs to the jury. And considering that none of the people on the jury have won a sweepstakes either, the poor guy will probably get his twelve million. Of course, if this happens, then the line "You may have already won" was actually true.

Congress is getting in on the act as well. They're having hearings right now to determine what kind of regulations should be put on sweepstakes operators. Like putting in really big letters, "You're never going to win, but please buy some of our magazines." Of course, this would decimate the sweepstakes industry, since it's not in the business of giving money away, but rather selling magazines and other little overpriced items to people who want to win a sweepstakes. Chairwoman Susan Collins (R-Maine) said during the hearings, "People should not need a law degree or a magnifying glass to read the rules or to decipher how to enter without placing an order."

My comment is this, "People should not be so stupid that they need a law to protect them from themselves."

But I guess people need this kind of protection. Just like they needed "VERY FUCKING HOT" printed on coffee cups in 100 point letters. And just like they needed to be told it wasn't enough to strap the kid in the child restraint seat, they had to strap the seat to the car. Or that marbles and one-year-olds don't mix. Or child resistant caps on prescription pills. Or child resistant lighters. Or being told that lawn darts are not to be used as practical jokes.

What we really need in this country is a brand called "Stupid People Stuff." A line of products so easy to use (but not easy enough for a child!), even stupid people can play with them without hurting their little fingers.

I'm tired of protecting the stupid people and the old people and the kids. Why is it that someone can make a fool of themselves and then get compensation because their life didn't turn out the way it said it would in the manual. And where can I get one of those life manuals anyway?

So here's the ultimate warning for all of those people who just don't get it. Let's put a tattoo on the chest of every child born from now on in this country that says, "You're never going to win. Everything you ever plan will turn out wrong and life will screw you big time up the ass until you die." That way they've been warned and they can't bitch anymore. Or sue.

Matt Worley got carded buying a lottery ticket on Saturday. This proves his "Buffy" theory, which goes something like, "If you watch TV shows about teenage vampire slayers, you will actually look much younger than you really are." The theory's effectiveness is dependent on the amount of watchers who enter. No purchase necessary. Please include SASE. Void where prohibited. Have a nice day.