There are a swarm of weddings that occur in the dead of summer, and I now feel an urge to help folks understand a few of the ins and outs. If you feel this topic is extraneous or unnecessary, so are many marriages. But that shouldn't stop anyone from having a good time.

Like at the bachelor party. About a month ago, I attended a bachelor party for a friend of a friend. I had participated with several rambling late conversations with this friend of a friend, so a trip to the bachelor party was the least I could do. **If you are a male with at least forty dollars in your pocket, always attend the bachelor party.** Bachelor parties are always peculiar because there is no set way to do them. They usually involve hookers, cigars, dancers, poker, porno, beer, chips, dip, burgers, lap dances, prizes, candle wax, ticks, scotch, "throwing your fucking dollar," and/or just talk talk talking about the ball in chain to be. The friend of a friend had a good representation from that list.

Most of his party was disgusted and captivated by the proceedings, but I was immune to even the nastier aspects. I recommend watching the Tom Hanks' classic Bachelor Party at least ten times to desensitize yourself. Movies can do so much to prepare us for regular life. I won't spill the unspeakable acts that went on at the friend of a friend's party. That's one rule. You can only talk about the bachelor party with other members of the festivities. Actually, that's a lie. You can only talk about them with other guys. So because of LCN Syndicate's growing female demographic, I will remain silent (trust me ladies, you don't want to know). All I'm allowed to say about the friend of a friend's party is that I paid five dollars to be smothered, and that the esteemed writer Matt Worley (see column below) vomited near the end. So you know a good time was had by all (except Matt).

I have no information on showers for the bride, except that they rarely involve candle wax.

Another important element of the wedding is the reception. A necessary stop for all single men. Even if the bar isn't open, there is a good chance the women are. Loneliness is becomes ten times as potent at the receptions, and many of the lines that have been failing for years suddenly cause giggles and other playful responses. Many morals and values are discarded. Full frontal nudity becomes a viable option (for yourself and others)--as long as you say that's how they do it in France. I'm not saying whether this behavior good or bad (what do you think I am, a columnist?); I'm just saying it happens.

My personal vice at weddings is alcoholic intoxication. There's always champagne, usually a keg or free flowing tap for beer, and booze booze booze in general. It's one delight shared by both married and single folk, and everyone loves to toasts (even when they have nothing to say). If you find yourself at a boozeless wedding, you are allowed to leave after the first hour to properly salute the bride and groom at the nearest tavern or parking lot of a one-stop liquor shop. If you find yourself at an open bar, revel in the glory. Always order a drink for yourself and someone else (even if you turn out to be the someone else). Suck all of the helium out of balloons (should they occur) and sing the chorus to Ruby Tuesday by the Rolling Stones. You may pass out, but don't let this discourage you. Once you come to, just say that's how they do it in England.

Last off, there is the wedding itself. Do as little as possible at the actual event. The bride and groom will never forgive you if you do something stupid in the presence of God. This is no time to make a fool of yourself and pronounce your love for either of the lovely couple. They do not love you, and even if they do, you must be too poor or something.

**Avoid Catholic Weddings At All Costs!** You will find out how inflexible you've become, but always attend Catholic receptions if you can. Sit close to the front if one of the bridesmaids or groomsmen catches your eye, but otherwise sit at the back unless you brought a date. You may sit in the middle, in that case, but be prepared for the 'What if we got married' conversation.

Hopefully, these hints will serve you well in the years to come. You never know when the next wedding gala will strike your leisure time. If it happens to be your wedding that comes up, I have no help for you. You're already in way over my head.

Chris Jungle was the disturbing guy who wouldn't go away at the last wedding you attended.