Some of the Columbine parents are suing a gun company because they did not make it impossible for a child to operate their fire arms. Families in other parts of the country who had their children shot by other children are suing video game makers, the movie industry and anyone else who has deep pockets. Jenny Jones has been ordered to pay 25 million dollars because one her guests got embarrassed and killed a man. People expect and demand to be compensated for the tragedies that occur during their lives--some sort of cash reward for having bad things happen in their American Dream.

At first, this bothered me, but then I realized I might be able to benefit as well. A lot of things have gone wrong in my life, and I might as well try to cash in on the tragedies like everybody else. First off, I'm suing my parents. One of my dreams as a child was to be a world class sprinter and compete for the gold medal in the Olympics. But due to my inferior genes and physical development, those aspirations came crumbling down at a young and impressionable age, causing me irrevocable emotional trauma. Mom and Dad should have made sure their genetic makeup was in tip-top shape for me.

As a teenager, I didn't have to worry about gun-toting classmates, but I did have to endure the peer pressure of cigarette smokers. While I'm not a tobacco fan, I felt like I wasn't part of the crowd and felt bad about myself. I could sue the kids who told me smoking was cool, but they don't have that much money. I can't sue the tobacco companies because they paid off the states to settle everything. I guess I'll sue convenience store conglomerates for negligence. They allowed either the selling of packs of cigarettes to minors or to people who bought for minors. I don't care what the official reason for the convenience store is for getting sued. I just want to get paid.

Then, there's all the women who turned me down when I attempted to begin some sort of physical relationship. Now, I can't sue the women (half the time, I didn't even get their real names!), but there had to be something behind my demise. Maybe I wasn't good looking enough. I think all of the products I use to keep myself clean and looking good must be at fault. That means the makers of my shampoo, soap, shaving cream and razors, deodorant, toothpaste and mouthwash must be reason for my difficulties. After all, it couldn't be my fault that I appear to be unappealing.

Every now and then, I meet people who are more intelligent than me. How could that happen? My education must have been inadequate in many ways. My alma maters dating back to grammar school will all be receiving subpoenas in the mail.

I enjoy most kinds of food, but I hate liver and onions. When I was a child, my parents would make us eat liver once or twice a year. Now I'm already suing my parents for faulty genes, so there's no sense in trying to take twice as much water from the same well. But the beef makers have a lot of cash. If the beef people can sue Oprah for saying bad things about their product, I can sue the beef boys for causing multiple traumatic experiences for me at the dinner table. I even got sent to room because I wouldn't eat the foul mushy meat.

Sometimes, I get writer's block. I sit and stare off at the wall searching for something poignant or entertaining to say and all I can think of is that the wall is not very inspiring. Someone has to be blamed for this. It's not my fault. Is it?

Well, maybe it is my fault. I could get a lawyer and sue myself, but let's just forget about the middle man. I'll just give myself all of my money and a genuine verbal apology for the injustices I have endured because of my actions.

Maybe we all need to pay ourselves off and be done with this silliness.

Chris Jungle ended up countersuing himself. He won, though he plans to appeal the verdict.