Okay, so we're now at war, I think. And let me get this straight--Milosevic equals Saddam, Kosovo equals Iraq and Belgrade equals Baghdad. Right? And, and the Serbs doing ethnic cleansing (can we really clean ethnicity?) just like the Germans did. I mean, the bad Germans of the past instead of the good Germans of today. Our impeached but acquitted president is saying we must be strong, and the media is making fun of us because we haven't been paying attention to their stories about the disputed region. "Americans can't find Kosovo on the map. 38 percent of those polled claim stupidity. Coming up after the break, the five day forecast, and things look sunny." Things do look sunny but there's a burning F-117 Stealth Fighter on the TV. Serbs claim they shot it down, the Pentagon won't comment, no one knows anything about the pilot, and in fact no one knows much of anything at all. But they keep talking. Reporters talk about no one confirming the information they keep repeating. The United States says it's the first plane they've lost, the Yugoslavians say they've shot down at least five! Ohio State can't hit its free throws! Connecticut just lost their big man in the middle! Duke isn't hitting its 3-pointers! Michigan State still can't mount a solid attack! It's March Madness! Can't differentiate, can't decide what to feel passionate about. What's real? What's conjecture? What's entertainment? What will stop this paragraph? But the plane is still burning, and the media is still talking as if the attack has taken a turn for the worse. This is a war, right? Shouldn't we lose a plane or two? We shouldn't be fighting anyone who can't shoot down a plane or two of ours. That would be like a #1 seed playing a #16 seed. Florida A & M didn't give Duke much of a challenge, but at least they scored. There's never been a war where one side shut out the other, is there? Who am I asking these questions to? Is anybody answering? I'm still waiting for the phone to ring so I can tell the pollsters that I don't know how I feel about the war. It is a war, right? Do I still have to go to work and do everything I normally do? Do I? Do I? Do I? Regressing to some infantile child like state--"Mommy, is the president still with that lady?" "No son, he's sending people to bomb a land far, far away." "Like Star Wars?" "Yes son, like Star Wars." "Like Never Never Land, too?" "Yes son, like Never Never Land, too." "Is Peter Pan a Jedi?" "Chris, honey?" "Yes Mommy?" "It's time to grow up now." "Okay Mommy, but I wish the president was still with that lady."--And the plane is still burning on TV. Then, there's the protesters. Can I get paid time off of work to protest? I don't remember anything about it in the employee's manual. In fact, I don't remember anything about what to do in a time of war. This is a war, right? Am I supposed to stare at the television in my free time as the reporters explain to me over and over that what they reported two hours ago is still the most pertinent information. And then there's the people on the other channel debating whether the unconfirmed information should be confirmed or not. And Michigan State can't get any closer, and Ohio State can't get any closer. And the teams that were number one all year will play to see who is wrong. #1 Duke vs. #1 Connecticut. This is a war, right? And the plane is still burning, and the reporters have now confirmed that nothing is confirmed. Tom! Rosie! Tell me what to do! I can't hear you! I can't heeeeaaarr yooooooouuu! No wait, that's something else altogether. Need to bring it back, need for it all to make sense, need to pick a side to be on. And the TV is turned off, and I walk out my door. The five day forecast is right so far. It is sunny outside.

Chris Jungle expects to be fully recovered by the time baseball season begins.