Every year on the eve of March Madness, the government attempts its own version of craziness. It's called the Anti-Drug Certification process. Basically, the United States picks and chooses which nations are fighting the good fight against illicit narcotics. Those deemed not to be up to our standards feel the wrath of decertification and the blow of economic aid sanctions from the mighty, mighty United States. Apparently, drugs appear to be on their way out as only two countries were branded as not helping fight the war. We slapped the "Decertified" label on the opium poppy growing nations of Afghanistan and Burma.

Actually, I thought Burma was now called Myanmar, so maybe we're decertifying a country that doesn't exist any more. Nevertheless, I'm glad we finally narrowed down the problem countries in the drug war to two. I always knew those Afghanis and Burmese were raking in all the drug profits.

Afghanistan and Burma have been on the bad drug guy list since the United States got the bright idea to have a certification process, and to be quite honest, I don't think we were going to give them money anyway. Iran used to be a guaranteed member of the nasty club, but since we recently wrestled and played soccer with those fellows, it became clear that no country who can beat us in World Cup action could be aiding the drug war.

There were other countries that were decertified, but they got a twist on the rule. Haiti, Cambodia, Nigeria and Paraguay fell under the category of "decertified with a national interest waiver." So basically, if the United States doesn't care about your country and you're are known for having some hearty opium poppy farms, you will get slapped with the decertification label. Next time you see a strung out heroin junkie, be rest assured that Afghanistan and Burma aren't receiving a dime of your tax payer money. I know I will sleep better at night.

Everyone makes a big stink each year because Mexico never gets decertified. But let's face it, Mexico would receive a national interest waiver even if it got decertified. Mexico will always be in our national interest. It's the country directly south of us, remember? It's just one of those pointless complaints politicians bring up so they can say they are politicians. Kind of like the annual NEA debate.

If I may be so bold, I would like to add one more country to the list of decertified nations, and that is the United States of America. Once again, the USA leads the world in drug consumption. While the cocaine may come from South America, the heroin from poppy plants in Asia, and marijuana from everywhere on earth it can grow, the drug war will ultimately be successful when the #1 drug consuming nation stops taking the drugs which find their way into our borders.

Along with our consumption, there are plenty of groups within our borders who supply the public's cravings. Methamphetamine labs blow up every now and then in most major cities, pot plants grow in little patches all over the countryside, synthetic drugs inducing an entire range of emotions and consequences are made and sold in labs in all fifty states. With all due respect, Afghanistan and Burma are nothing compared to our internal drug trade. Opium poppy plants? That's so one dimensional.

I will be fair, though. I think we should decertify ourselves with a national interest waiver. I am a realist. If we incorporate economic sanctions on ourselves, it could get a little ugly. Especially during hurricane and tornado seasons.

If decertifying ourselves sounds like a ludicrous idea, I submit one more option. Let's forget about this Anti-Drug Certification process all together. If we don't want to give money to Afghanistan and Burma, then let's just say we don't want to give them money. We don't need to blame them for our own drug problems. When was the last time you had some authentic Afghan heroin anyway?

I don't blame Germany for the skinheads we have in our own country, I don't blame South Africa for our own racial problems, I don't blame the Soviet Union for our overstocked nuclear arsenal. I don't even blame myself for changing anyone's opinion with my weekly drivel. Everyone makes choices on their own, and whatever we do, we have to live with it. No matter what country we name as the bad guys.

Chris Jungle is currently under economic sanctions, but it has nothing to do with his lack of effort to assist the drug war.