I look around at the weather, which is ten degrees higher than normal in Albuquerque, while most of the country freezes. I see the teenagers with their fashion, anti-establishment smoking and subtly desperate attempts to define themselves as something original in a world of conformity. I rub shoulders with the lower to upper middle class families as over 18,000 of them "Pack the Pit" to see a women's basketball game. Over 18,000 watching women's basketball! Column readers, I'm here to tell you with explanation points that the state of the jungle is strong!! (standing ovation)

America is working again. Some of them, like my brothers and best friend from youth, work too long doing thankless tasks at thankless jobs, but they are working. I do take some sadistic pleasure in the fact that I finally work the least out of any Jungle. But the key is that not only my family is working. Everyone is working. When people are working, they don't have time. They don't have time for many pleasures, but they also don't have time to conceive hair-brained schemes, hold up banks and liquor stores, or cause unnecessary havoc outside the allowed Friday and Saturday night binges. And people thought crime was down because we have more cops. Keep us working, and we won't have time to think. Honestly or malevolently! (applause)

America is optimistic. So optimistic that we have ideas on how to spend the surplus dollars for years to come when we barely figured out how to stop spending more than we had in the first place. Just because I actually broke the five figure salary mark last year doesn't mean I should decide how to spend my paychecks for the next twenty years. But when you're on a roll, you move in a quick, comical and entertaining manner before crashing at the bottom of the hill. Even then, you're too dizzy to care for a while. (stand but do not applaud)

America is the hype, man. Nobody can build up life better than us. We're the country that created the Christmas season, the Super Bowl and Las Vegas! (applause) We build up life so much that the actual events pale in comparison to the hype. Remember how much we talked about possible impeachment? (stand) Remember every Tyson fight not involving Evander Holyfield? Remember those Amigo car commercials? (sit down) Remember wanting to get that dark shady character in the bar into bed? They never lived up to the product. I'm not complaining though. At least I get my weekly update on the new Star Wars flick! (uncomfortably long standing ovation)

America is si aciremA. (sit down and scratch head) I mean America loves looking at itself in the mirror. We are the apple of our eye, the surge in our loins, the snap in our crackle and pop and other metaphors I don't understand. But we like to judge ourselves, to poll each other, to call each other on the phone to give offer this free gift along with the thirty day trail of a $39.95 item. (applause) We look at our problems with concern and disgust, and try to fix them with nose jobs and cheek tucks. We look at our accomplishments with beaming pride assuming it was because of our nose jobs and cheek tucks. But we look good. My God, we look so good. (Massage and rub face and neck)

America is full of lives. I see thousands of faces, all with stories, all with hopes, all with dreams of a quick rich retirement, and I know so few. We are individuals, but we want the same thing. We want to move up, not down. And as long as we don't want to tear the place down, we're in good shape. The only people who can defeat us is us, and right now, we don't want to do that. (standing ovation) As long as we have money in our pockets, days off to counteract the days on, aspirations of being able to do "what I really want to do, man" even if we never accomplish a thing, the opportunity to ruin our credit rating, buy some form of narcotic legally, and do what everyone else in this country wants, the state of the jungle will be strong. (applaud for three minutes, shake hands with whatever living thing is nearby, and return to life already in progress)

Chris Jungle thinks you're an idiot if your response to this address is the bizarre contradiction of increasing defense spending while cutting taxes.