I don't know about anyone else, but I've been seeing a lot more cop cars lately. As soon as one car stops tailing me (I assume to check and see if I have any outstanding warrants), another one crosses my path. What's strange is that the multiple cop car sightings mostly occur during the daytime when most of the criminals are tucked snugly in bed with visions of stick-ups dancing in their heads.

More cop cars should make me feel safer, but it doesn't. It has the opposite effect on me. Instead of smiling and nodding at Officer Friendly, I contemplate all the times I have broken the law. Now, as far as lawbreakers go, I'm pretty tame. I speed through yellowish-red lights, I look both ways but cruise through many four way stop signs, and I regulate if I've had too much to drink to drive rather than going by the .08 alcohol level. Call it a failing if you must, but I've always thought of the laws as guidelines for an individual to make their own decisions. The phrase 'free will' keeps popping up in my head for some reason.

Of course when the police pull me over, they are not too interested in my code of ethics or free will or much of anything regardless of how many times I quote Plato, Vonnegut or Twain. They ask me questions for which they already know the answers, they shine their superpowered lights through the back of my car so they reflect off the rear view mirror into my eyes, and then tell me to have a nice day after ruining a small portion of it.

I have nothing personally against cops. Most of them have families and are active in their communities in a positive way. There's just that nagging aspect that they can pull me over, detain and badger me any time they wish. And if I think a cop has harassed me to an intolerable degree, I have to deal with lawyers to have something done about it. If you think I have a problem with the police, you don't even want me to get started on lawyers.

My problem is that I break the laws. My friends break the laws. My family breaks the laws. Strangers break the laws. We don't all do it to a major degree, but we still do it.

More cops on the streets means safer streets for our children, right? This just in--children break the laws. I think I broke more laws as a child than I have since I started paying taxes all by myself. Maybe more cops will mean safer streets despite our children.

Do more cops mean I'm going to change my ways and follow the laws to a strict degree? No. I've met citizens who abide laws to the letter, and they are no fun at all. In fact, strict law abiding citizens have been more of a nuisance to me than the police themselves.

No, I'll still do what I've always done. I'll still pretend to wear my seat belt (I think it's broken, officer), I'll still wander around in public with absolutely no identification whatsoever (I'm just sitting in a park, officer) and I'll still pee in the public parking lot after sitting in a bar late into the night (the restroom was full, officer).

But cops are up, and crime is down. I'm sure every cop car that trails me isn't punching up my license plate to see who I am, what I've done, and where I did it. I'm sure they just want to help make this world a safer place for you and me. Of course, they might see the world as a safer place without you or me.

I've never been thrown in jail, but I've bailed a couple people out. I've never had my house raided, but I've helped friends clean up afterwards. The more cops on the streets means the more chances of me being busted. Maybe for something minor, maybe not. But if they ever accomplish their mission of making the world safe, I won't be there. They will have nabbed me long before.

So here's my message to the safe world of the future--Have a good time smiling and procreating, and I'm sorry but all we have left is vanilla. We ran out of the other flavors a while back.

Chris Jungle neither protects nor serves.