We're number one, and we can't take it any more!

Or something like that, anyway.

I've been listening to people kvetch and moan (on and on and on) about the whole Chinese spying "scandal", and I still chuckle. After all, we're spending a lot more money spying on the Chinese than they are on us. Think about it. We've got more money and a much larger intelligence apparatus than the Chinese do. But because we've got the goodies (or so we think), some folks think it's a crisis when some other country nabs some of our stuff.

This is a somewhat rational fear, I admit. After all, if it weren't for factory plans stolen by an immigrant in the latter part of the 18th century (locked away in his memory and nothing else, mind you), it would have taken much longer for the fledgling United States to properly join the industrial revolution. There is ample precedent for concerns about industrial and military spying.

And yet, what country is still numero uno when it comes to legal and illegal immigration? Us. The big U.S. The country that still subscribes to Horatio Alger, albeit with a technodollar IPO twist. So if a nasty spy steals some bitchen computer plans from Sun or some hot Linux app from Red Hat and takes it to, say, China or India, chances are that same spy will immigrate to the United States when he or she has enough money to do so. Come to where the money and the living are easy. Sure, the foreign governments may get the plans, but we get something infinitely more valuable: the minds.

Or let's say we don't. Let's say these scientists love their country so much that they use stolen U.S. technology to further some nasty foreign plot. Like, say, create a nuclear arsenal that is something akin to a Commodore 64 while we're running a Silicon Graphics monster.

Come on. You know why the Chinese navy has exercises off the coast of Taiwan? Because it's afraid that if the ships go further out to sea they won't be able to get back. I'm not lying about this. Call up Jane's and find out for yourself. The best estimate is that maybe three Chinese ships are seaworthy enough to sail across the Pacific.

And don't miss that word "maybe" in there.

As for the nukes, well, China has a few missiles. In the thousands, maybe. Most of which are short range and aren't even armed. The things have to be fueled and loaded by hand. Dreadfully high tech. The Chinese are ahead of the Indians (which is who they're most concerned with, anyway), but even if we sent them all our secrets, by the time they figured those out they'd still be a couple generations behind.

I'm sorry to keep going on about this, but it seems to me that all the folks fueling the hysteria are missing one important point: We're number one. There is no number two. There are a few number twenties. Imagine an NBA made up of the 1997 Chicago Bulls and a bunch of other teams on a par with the Mid-American Conference. A fine set of schools nestled in the Great Lakes and Ohio Valley regions, but not really in the same league. We're the Chicago Bulls. Russia is the Akron Zips. China is the Western Michigan Broncos. Germany is, um, the Marshall Thundering Herd. Now, the Bulls will win 81 of the games in an 82-game season playing MAC teams. Every team is gunning for them, and occasionally, maybe once during a full season, the Bulls will succumb. Western Michigan will rise up and sneak one past the Bulls.

In the long run? Say, a playoff drive? The Bulls in a cakewalk. But like my dad (and every announcer on the face of the earth) always says when Kansas State wanders over to Lawrence for some hoops with the Jayhawks, on a given night any tea, can beat another team. And so, China nabbed some nuclear secrets from us.

Is this is a crisis? Has our national integrity been impugned? Give me a break. Jordan's jumper wasn't falling and Dennis Rodman decided to toss a ref into the third row. These things happen. We move on. No need to fire the coach, no need to suspend the players. Time to get back into the game. We're number one, remember? End of discussion.

Jon Worley would like to apologize for the excessive use of sports metaphors. He just figured that the hysterical ones might relate better to that than, say, cogent political thought.