KMFDM. Marilyn Manson. The ghost of Adolf Hitler. The media. Mean classmates.

I've heard all the reasons given for the Columbine High School shootings in Littleton, Colo. Occasionally the person spouting the theory will say, "Of course, these were some seriously disturbed kids", but for the most part, that notion doesn't seem to be a given.

There is this odd undercurrent I feel, the big question in all of this: How can such nice, white kids create so much pain?

I'm not going to dignify that sentiment with a response. That's a whole different issue that I'm not in the mood to discuss right not. Instead, let me pass along a Hollywood script treatment that is probably already going around Tinseltown.

Outcast kids kill the most popular girl in school and the two best football players as well. Then they plot to blow up the entire high school.

Following the current trend, it's a sequel. Because Heathers covered this ground a decade ago.

Yes, 10 years ago Heathers came out. In the end, Winona Ryder forces Christian Slater to blow himself up and the high school is saved. A nice, cheesy ending. Me, I thought the school should have blown up. I mean, the movie is a black comedy. Gotta have carnage at the end. Or at least Nicole Kidman under ice (sorry, wrong flick). I've railed against the ending of Heathers ever since seeing it for the first time (I'm well into double digit viewings at this point).

Never mind that the director's next movie was Hudson Hawk. Totally irrelevant. Heathers was a brilliant send-up of high school life, a story so close to reality that it has, in a way, become reality. High schools are, by and large, breeding grounds for the same social problems facing society as a whole.

During the final stretch run of the flick, J.D. (that's Christian Slater) delivers a series of utterances which in retrospect seem so utterly prescient that I'd like to steal them wholesale. First, he mocks those who would throw up their hands and ask "What would make them do such a thing?" And then later on he answers the question anyway: "Because the school was society."

Precisely.

The movie deftly covers just about every issue spawned by the Columbine tragedy. The media exploitation of the situation, the dumb-ass cops (remember the Jefferson County sheriff who said "If it weren't for all these cameras. this wouldn't hasve happened"? Listen, dork, the cameras didn't show up until after.), the hopelessly myopic teachers ("Trenchcoat mafia? What trenchcoat mafia?"), and the gleefully pandering preachers ("It's all part of God's plan."). The only thing I'm surprised about is that no one has blamed Heathers yet. I know, movies fade from the national consciousness after a couple years or so, but still. This was a touchstone movie for kids in my generation. I'm the same age as those TV reporters and many of the print reporters on the scene. You'd think one of them might have mentioned the eerie similarities.

Of course, I really haven't been paying that much attention to the Columbine affair. I didn't listen to the 911 tapes (online at www.kidscreaming.com), and I really don't need to know anything more than the fact that two or more kids killed 12 other kids and a teacher. So perhaps some one else out there has mentioned the Heathers thing.

My own personal take on the disaster? I'm with the big D, Dennis Miller: "A guy kills somebody. What's the first thing we do? We put him in a hospital for observation. Oh, you'd better keep an eye on him. He might do something crazy, eh?"

The kids were nuts. What made them nuts? Everything. The media. KMFDM. Their parents. Their classmates. Their school. Their lives in general. Hell, a million other kids have walked down much the same path as the shooters, and yet, they didn't acquire an arsenal, put together a few bombs and head over to the school for a little target practice. That's the point. You want to blame somebody? Blame the shooters. It's their own damned fault. Period.

I didn't steal that from Heathers. I actually thought of it myself. Amazing.

Jon Worley also highly recommends Pump Up the Volume for those wishing to more completely revisit the angst of high school.