As I noted last week, the recent impeachment of the president (and the attendant appalling display of hatred involved) has turned me away from politics and, well, citizenship in general. As a new member of the national apathetic club, I've had to endure a fairly rigorous re-education. It turns out that a lot of my dearly held opinions are a fookin' load of shite (I've been reading Colin Bateman again). Amazing how that turns out. Some interesting facts I have learned during this process:

1. It doesn't matter who the president is. In fact, voting is a completely useless act. All politicians are moneygrubbing twerps who acts solely for their own personal gain. Better to line the lot of them up in front of the Capitol and waste a few thousand rounds of ammo. A corollary: If you vote, vote for the weirdest candidate. Turns out I should have voted for David Duke and Pat Robertson. Can you imagine the National Weather Service under a Robertson administration? "The wrath of God is raining down upon the heathens in New York. A demonic cold front is stalled over Virginia Beach. Let us all pray for snow in Aspen." I can dig it. Next year, I'm definitely going to vote for Lyndon LaRouche.

2. Mariah Carey is a truly gifted and talented singer.

3. Political parties are irrelevant. Every Christian Coalion pol would sacrifice a million fetuses to win an election, just like every "liberal" pol would shut down the government if it meant more votes. This observation, of course, simply follows from the previous "voting is useless" commandment.

4. Those Miller Lite "Dick" ads are really, really funny.

5. The only way you can influence the government is by holing yourself up in some cabin with a few thousand rounds of ammo and your newborn son. Preferably in southern Idaho. Anything less than total commitment (a strange exception to the apathy rule) and the bureaucrats won't notice.

6. How 'bout dem Cowboys!

7. The budget of the latest Leonardo DiCaprio flick is much more important than the federal budget. The loss on the new Brad Pitt movie is much more important than the social security budget deficit. The NBA lockout is much more important than the GM strike. Knowing the figures of Kevin Brown's contract with the Dodgers is much more important than knowing the name of the current Secretary of Labor.

8. Demi Moore is the best actress since Rita Hayworth.

9. As long as you have enough money to pay the bills and keep yourself well-stocked with booze, there's really nothing to worry about. Ain't got no reason to be bitching if yer pocket and belly are full.

Amazing, eh? All this after only one week. I can't imagine what I'll be learning next week. This apathy thing is pretty cool. Changing my life. Thank you, Republican Congress!

Jon Worley doesn't even yell at people smoking in his presence any more.