Well, rights are pretty unpopular these days -- so it would seem from an e-mail I have received several times this year, and decided to address. Some armchair libertarian redneck has assembled a "Bill of No Rights" to help those of us who work hard and pay to keep our country on track feel superior to those of us who make use of the substantial safety net put in place by prior generations of Americans. (The redneck is State Rep. Mitchell Kaye, of Georgia, according to one of the e-mails). Kaye complains about "liberal bed-wetters" whom he apparently feels are handing the country over to "professional couch-potatoes."

I'll hit only the high notes. The Bill of No Rights is another piece of conservative feel-good-ism that plays like a bad action movie (the stuff Nick Cage unfortunately has been making) -- all the bad guys get their due, but the movie just doesn't withstand logical scrutiny. The bad guys miss too many shots, the good guys have too much good luck. Great Hollywood, not good public policy.

So, on to this No-Rights nonsense:

The Text: "ARTICLE II: You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone - not just you! You may leave the room, change the channel, express a different opinion, etc., but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be."

My Commentary: This means you, women in the workplace! When your management superior tells you about your "headlights" or sneaks in that Friday afternoon ass-pinch just for fun, hey, he's just an offensive boor, and you can go get another job! People are FREE to be idiots, just leave the room! By contrast, Title VII of the Civil Rights Act is a big federally created baseball bat over the head of office creeps who want to exercise freedoms that probably were socially accepted 200 years ago but seem ape-like today.

This is an example of one of many government-created rights that reflect changes in our attitudes about what is right and wrong. In America you DO have the right not to be offended by cossacks while you try to get your work done. And thank God.

The Text: "ARTICLE III: You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful. Do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy."

My Commentary: When a meatpacker allows bacteria-infested, maggot-ridden carcasses to be sliced into sausage and set out for purchase by you along side good meat, a wrong has been committed. That's just evil. When a company makes a car that explodes when hit from behind, it is making a shoddy product that we all know shouldn't be on the road. We DO have the right to be free from such harm. If some drunk jerk hits you from behind and your car explodes on impact, I want your family to make it clear to the car-maker as well as the drunk, that safety is a priority for Americans. The same is true with the meat. That's why we put in place regulation (by Government) and why we allow huge money judgments against companies.

These tools are powerful enough to convey a mind-changing message to producers. It keeps 'em on their toes, and that keeps us safe. Fortunately, a long line of consumer advocates has fought for us when it comes to cars, meat and other products. Every time I shop for food I'm glad that so many measures are taken to keep me free from harm.

Well, you get the idea. The document goes on to say that public health care is bad because public housing is bad. Nice logic. That would be as dumb as concluding the U.S. Army is dysfunctional based on the outcome of Vietnam. The Bill closes with the comment that pursuing happiness is a lot easier if you are "unencumbered by an overabundance of idiotic laws. . ."

Well, here's a short list of large, expensive and intrusive federal laws and agencies that enjoy broad support, and for good reason, BECAUSE THEY WORK!

Civil Rights Act; Federal Emergency Management Agency; Safe Drinking Water Act; Clear Air Act; CERCLA (environmental cleanup); OSHA (workplace safety); NTSB (transportation regs); National Direct Loan Program (subsidized student loans); HUD (housing loans, among other things); Veterans Administration (generous freebies to vets); and the Fourth, Fifth and Sixth Amendments, as interpreted by the Supreme Court, which essentially guarantee that you won't be sodomized with a nightstick at gunpoint by police officers in America, and if you are we'll do something about it.

My message to Rep. Kaye: Earn your check from the Georgia taxpayers -- you're an elected official, if the regulations don't work then write new ones; if the laws are idiotic then repeal them. You're the government worker, not me! When you're finished filling out your per-diem expense forms for which the taxpayers reimburse you, stop whining about a system that you have the power to change. Your kind are in the majority and have been for nearly six years nationwide and forever in Georgia. Get off your state-subsidized chair and do your job! Start repealing the laws that create the safety net. Then see what the voters do to you.

Go ahead, punk. Make my day. (How's that for whiny liberal bed-wetting?)

John Hedgecoth is an attorney in Cedar Rapids, Iowa. He's always been a stick-wielding liberal.