A week-long stay at an area hospital recently had but one bright spot. I have given a name to my pleasure, and it is RollerJam.

If you are among the uninitiated, the World Skating League (WSL) RollerJam is a made for television "sport" purporting to be the revival of roller derby, an entertainment medium popular in the 30s through 50s. (Like, say, bowling or lawn darts.) In-line skaters chase each other around an indoor track in an effort to knock opponents down and sometimes even score points. It is televised on The Nashville Network (hello - red flag!), and drew raves in its January 15, 1999 debut. My bookmark is already pointed to www.rollerjam.com.

So is it for real? The beefcake-and-cheesecake show introduces women athletes to the demographic interested in professional wrestling, and RollerJam loses none of the flash and swagger of its predecessors in the field. Sort of like Baywatch-meets-Jerry Springer. Players carp at each other on and off the field, and show is more important than go.

But is it for real? The bottle-blonde California team, the Quakes, is led by Stacey Blitsch, who hails from Oelwein, Iowa. Yup, that's right, even the ultimate RollerJam California girl -- isn't. But man, Stacey is the reason I became a fan. She's cute, mouthy and she kicks much butt! Blitsch is the most famous Iowan since Lt. Jadzia Dax on Deep Space Nine. Oh, RollerJam is for real alright. Consider the attributes of RollerJam and you will understand why it will be absolutely huge, a ratings draw that actually will surpass the popularity of its cable cousins, the WWF and WCW. (If the WCW is fixed, then why does the middle initial stand for "Championship?" See, it's all for real.)

RollerJam has intense conflict, a blistering pace, beautiful men and women, winners and losers, and loose rules to boot. Folks, this thing is a direct reflection of 1990s America, isn't it? Don't tell me its not real.

Picture it, now: Bill and Monica, Trent and the Texans, Sam and Cokie and the rest of them, staggering to stay balanced on blades as they whirl around some midwestern arena trying to rip out each others' hair. Why not settle all disputes through RollerJam? It wouldn't be that much different than public life as we know it, but it would be SO much more entertaining to watch on TV. I'll bet Paula Jones would be an instant all-star. Think Newt would have ever quit RollerJam? Not on your life. You'd find him screaming from over the wall, "Smack their morally bankrupt asses, Trent!"

You think George Will wouldn't mess up that pretty dome of his earning his nickname "Iron Will" by clotheslining Madeline Albright to the track? You betcha. Word to the wise: In the Henry Hyde/Rush Limbaugh/Tim Russert match, just stay the heck out of the way.

And even at RollerJam, you think Clinton is beatable? Think again. Every punch delivered with a lip-biting "Sorray, but yah had it comin'," everyone would feel Clinton's pain has he hauled that pasty 6'3" frame into scoring position as often as he wanted. This sport represents officially sanctioned wrestling with women. The guy would never retire.

Isn't that what we are all watching in Washington (and elsewhere in politics, too): the hollering, the clash, the breakneck pace, the pain inflicted without a foul called, the endless arguing about who can kick who's butt?

You see, Washington, like RollerJam, is for real. The heck with civility, somebody blow the whistle!

John Hedgecoth's RollerJam handle is "Neil Young and Crazy Horse".