For the last time--really!
by Matt Worley

When someone asks me, "What happened this year?" in the middle of December, my first thought is to say, "Well, the Chiefs didn't win the Super Bowl." As far as one year-long defining event, though, the usual answer is, "I don't know."

Nothing lasts an entire year. Even the baseball season is only 7 months. And our endless summers here in New Mexico only last, well, about the same 7 months. Other than work (which is really just high school without as many tests), nothing lasts the entire year.

Until this year.

There is something that started in January and now is testing its feet in the murky waters of the new year. Yes, that's right. I'm talking about the President and his unpaid staffer. Or someone's unpaid staffer. The point is, we've been talking about this affair since the beginning of the year and nothing has changed. Everyone has the same opinion they did earlier this year. There haven't been any new facts or allegations (it's always been a few hummers and sweet talk), and no one really wants to find anything new either. We're all hoping to get this thing over with--except congress, of course. I think some of those guys are pissed they didn't get re-elected.

My opinion hasn't changed either.

I think this is a waste of time.

Soon-to-be-in-video-format-near you (DVD for you high-falutin' folks), The Aspirations of a Young Californian while in the White House. Sort of a slapstick comedy with big time job implications.

Of course, I don't think Monica really cared whether or not she got a job for her, well, various other work-related activities. That wasn't really in the plan. Okay, there was a vague plan, but it had nothing to do with getting a real job. Like Monica wanted a real job in the first place. She didn't want to sit at a desk at the Pentagon or Revlon or anywhere else. She wanted the power and prestige of being a little ingenue on the romp in D.C. Sadly, she got exactly what she wanted.

The rest of us got to clean up the mess.

But this isn't to exonerate the Prez for his actions either. I'm not that much older than Monica, and I know when to say no. Of course, the Prez has gotten a really nice trip around the world this year. He's gone everywhere and most of the time, everyone wanted to see him--really bad. Instead of going on Jerry Springer like the rest of us, the Prez got to visit every country that matters, and even a few most of us can't pronounce. And instead of getting yelled at or jeered, he's gotten big time applause. Because he can hold his head up (and we're all jolly happy for him).

Well, now comes the punch line. Supplied by Congress, who are showing their Christmas spirit by being partisan and bitchy.

It's about the law. It's about telling our children that the law means something and we have to follow it. It's about getting around telling six-year-olds the correct definition of "sexual relations."

Nope. It's about losing elections, losing face, losing respect.

When we haven't liked the laws in this country, we've changed them. And, no matter how much we like to think laws are for all of us, they're not. Laws are for you and me.

We have to go to work every day for less a year than most politicians make in one night of campaigning.

We have to drive sober while the politicians have their own personal drivers.

We're not supposed to steal or cheat our fellow man, while politicians appropriate themselves and their small parts of the country large and expensive gifts of defense contracts and federal grants.

And we have to keep our zippers zipped or our wife or girlfriend is gonna come by with that big machete we keep in the closet in case of burglars. And she's not gonna chop our thinking head off.

So get off it. Get off your high-minded talk of constitution and law. Get off your vanity and smug denials and apologies. Just get off the hill and let the rest of us in the country (who you say you work for) have a nice holiday season.

We want to sit around our new big screen TVs, check the scores every few minutes on our new Internet-ready computer, drink our beer, wine or eggnog, and more or less rest our butts from a year-long go-go year.

And we deserve it. We've been doing our job. We're spending our asses off to make your bottom line look sparkly.

Matt Worley is hoping his company gives him an intern of his very own in the new year. Because, damn it, he's earned it.

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