Of videos and lesbians
by Matt Worley

I swear, I didn't plan it this way.

My local video store (not actually "local," but residing near my neighborhood nonetheless) had a 2-for-1 rental deal this weekend. So I decided to take advantage.

There are actually four tiers of video rental prices where I rent: from cheapest (49 cents for 5 days) to most expensive ($2.99 for one night). I have, in my time as a rental member, only rented three $2.99 videos--and they were of the second tier ($2.99 for five days) variety. My point being that if I really wanted to see the movie for three bucks, I would have seen it in the theater. As I tooled through the new release/best renters section (housing all but the el cheapo 49 cent videos), I noticed that most of the videos I wanted to see were of the 99 cent for five days variety. So to get the most bang out of my buck, I rented four 99 centers for two bucks. It wasn't until my brother got home that I realized there was a theme going on.

Actually, the theme I noticed was that I'd seen 3 out of the 4 movies. Even when the bad movies are conveniently displayed in handy little boxes, I still don't want to see them, so I took my own advice and rented movies I already liked. Safe, but what the hell. Sometimes it's just not a good thing to rent bad movies just because they're half price.

My rental choices? Money Talks (Chris Tucker in the one flick I'd stayed away from in theaters), Daytrippers, Bound and Chasing Amy. My brother took one look and said, "What's with all the lesbian flicks?"

Actually they were only half lesbian flicks. Meaning they were written by guys and not actually about being lesbian, but containing lesbian characters. I saw a few minutes of a lesbian flick written, directed and acted by lesbians once. If this is the way all lesbians really are (and from my experience, they aren't), then why anyone would want to be a lesbian. Too much preaching and very little story, atmosphere, or anything of interest going on. Like a documentary with really bad acting.

But enough of the real deal. Let’s talk about fantasy.

I've always had a bit of kinship with lesbians. Probably because I can understand their point of view. I've always wondered by all women weren't lesbians (and maybe they really are!), just because men are so idiotic and ugly.

I think the problem with our new awareness of sexual choice (mostly since the onslaught of AIDS) is that lesbians are the new excuse for why guys can't get laid.

If a girl turns a guy down (or shows no interest at all), she is called a lesbian rather than possibly a smart woman for saying no. I've seen this with alarming abundance lately. Back in the old days, the women were bitches. But now it's "lesbian."

I've gone out with a few of these "lesbian" women. They aren't actually lesbians at all, and most of them weren't even the slightest bit bi-sexual either (although a couple were). It's just that guys are idiotic and ugly. Or have I said that already?

So back to these two lesbian movies I rented. Are they helping to mainstream the idea of two woman having a healthy relationship with each other, or are they just creating another stereotype for us dumb males?

Bound is the story of a couple of lesbians who cheat and murder the mob out of 2.176 million dollars. Chasing Amy is about a lesbian who decides to go out with a guy (for a while).

Maybe it's a mixture of both. The heroes (or at least, most noble characters) of both stories are the lesbians. But at the same time, their primary purpose is to fuck over the guy at the end.

This seems a little bit mean-spirited, even if the lesbians are portrayed in a likable way. Should we leave the lesbian story telling to real lesbians? Or should I not worry about it since we're talking about the movies and movies are never real anyway?

The only thing I can think of to say is this: Can't we all just get naked and then get along? At least onscreen.

Matt Worley will try to stay away from the lesbian movies--for a little while.

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