Fuzzy revolutionary logic
by Matt Worley

Revolutions are cool.

There are three main revolutions that have shaped my life so far. 1. The revolution by the Rebellion against the Empire in the first three Star Wars movies. 2. The neo-punk revolution of the early 1990s. 3. The Civil War, which was an industrial revolution against a mainly agrarian (and slave-oriented) society. All three revolutions--as all do eventually--have degenerated into archaic establishment strongholds, threatening to put down any new revolutions by their smaller adversaries (a.k.a. the new rebels).

Let me explain a little bit further.

1. In reference to the Rebellion in Star Wars (or the good guys, for those not familiar), they were already defeated in the last movie, The Return Of The Jedi. Instead of being a rag-tag group of revolutionaries, they'd become exactly what they were fighting against--a bunch of nonsense talking bureaucrats with a few very resourceful soldiers.

The battle plan was laughable. They took their entire fighting force into enemy territory and hoped some crazy idiots would do the one thing that would enable them to win. Now granted, this strategy worked in the first movie--but the rebellion was bigger in the third flick. They should have had a few more brains in those big, strange looking ships. As with the first movie, it was up to a couple of people to save the universe, and (thank the Force) those people were up to the task.

But what became of the Star Wars revolution after their great victory? Did we get a new breed of better movies? Better scripts and better effects? New worlds to discover? Nope. We got Top Gun. We got numerous series of movies that, instead of advancing a story, simply ran over the same tracks. And to add insult to injury, we got Independence Day in 1996. Proving that we'd learned nothing. Revolution: Failed!

2. One song brought down a decade of decadence. "Smells Like Teen Spirit" toppled the belief that music and fashion were intricately entwined. That the right pants and the right haircut could sell a band rather than the actual music they played. We all through our hair mousse away (well, some of us anyway), learned too much about heroin, and threw out that whole section of pop song construction, the guitar solo.

Suddenly everyone was keeping it real. We didn't want dancing fools, we wanted brooding, bratty snot heads. Musicians who claimed they didn't want fame, but stepped into the spotlight all the same. It lead to pop punk breakthroughs (Green Day, the Offspring), earnest working man bands (Hootie & the Blowfish, the Blues Traveler) and eventually ska super stardom (No Doubt, the Mighty Mighty Bosstones). And, oh yeah, Courtney Love.

As the pendulum swings, all of these bands have had to adjust. When a punk makes millions of dollars, he's got a couple ways he can go. 1. OD on heroin. 2. Become a silly caricature of himself. 3. Blow his head off. 4. Go glam. In other words, he can't stay the same punk he was. And neither could Courtney.

Along with her partner in make-up, Marilyn Manson, Courtney Love has gone glam. While their sales have slacked off in the weeks since their release of their latest foray into music, both are just one hit single away from complete transformation. And don't doubt that it will happen. Just in case you were wondering, it's usually the second single that breaks an album. The first single is merely to get the hard core fans into record stores on the first day. The second single leads to domination of the more skeptical record buying public. Marilyn and Courtney-- you go, girls. Revolution re-run!

3. You already know about the Civil War, don't you? Well, in case you were wondering, the industrial revolution is over, too. And now all the stalwarts of that aging scheme have begun to reel from the computer revolution. The problem with the computer revolution is this: the computer tends to make humans obsolete. More than moving workers from the fields into the factories, it's moving factory workers into Starbucks. You either serve or be served, and while most of us think we're on the hot track to "being served," most of us are gonna be saying, "Would you like cream and chocolate sprinkles with that?" Revolution? Hardly.

Viva la revolucion!

Bonus point revolution: When you stand in front of people, wave your fist and nothing of substance comes out, the people will figure out you're full of shit after a while. Hey Gingrich, I've got a green apron just your size, you quitter.

Matt Worley only quit one job after two days. And it didn't have a six figure salary or public funded special elections attached to it, so he doesn't feel so bad.

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