The Starr Report (short attention span mix)
by Matt Worley

The following are the pertinent situations and conversations concerning the issue of Monica Lewinsky and President Clinton as detailed by Kenneth Starr's report to congress.

In the beginning...

A. Overview of Monica Lewinsky's White House Employment

Monica Lewinsky was a White House Intern. Her tasks included anything her superiors did not want to do themselves. Her services were free.

B. First Meetings with the President

"I remember distinctly him (President Clinton) gazing directly into my eyes and saying, 'You've got a pretty mouth, honey.' My knees went weak..."

C. November 15 Sexual Encounter

"We were fooling around in the private office when he got a phone call. I figured if he was busy on the phone, I would busy myself. I then performed oral sex. He applauded, but did pull out before we finished. He thought things were happening too fast and he respected me. But since he was the president, he wanted to make sure everything was just right, so I left."

D. November 17 Sexual Encounter

"He asked me to bring him pizza. Another phone call interrupted our kissing. While I was on the floor, his p-thing appeared in front of me. He was still on the phone. I performed oral sex. Again, he did not let me finish. He told me to come by on the weekend and we could discuss music or whatever."

E. December 31 Sexual Encounter

"I wanted a kiss and cigar--it was New Year's, y'know? So we started kissing again and I asked him if he knew my name. 'Of course, honey, I know your name,' he said. So I performed oral sex. He didn't finish, saying he wanted to take time to reflect on our relationship. He thought things were going too fast. I wanted to 'gobble the goo' as one of my friends back home says, since it was New Year's. The President stood firm on his resolution to take it slow."

F. President's Account of 1995 Relationship

"We fooled around a little, but there was no sex. I told her I was married and couldn't get into 'something like that.' She was damn insistent, though."

January-March 1996: Continued Sexual Encounters

A. January 7 Sexual Encounter

"He called me and I went to the office, making it look like I was delivering papers. He wanted to go down on me, but I was on the rag, so I said no. I performed oral sex. But he still stopped me before we finished."

B. January 21 Sexual Encounter

"I asked him if he liked me for me or just the sex. He said, 'Of course, I like you, honey.' I started talking about my day and all the things an intern has to do to get ahead and he cut me off with a big wet sloppy one of my mouth. I performed oral sex. We got cut off because someone came in before I finished. So he met whoever it was with a big boner in his pants. It was funny."

C. February 4 Sexual Encounter and Subsequent Phone Calls

"We met again and took our time. I was wearing a long dress that buttoned all the way down. And he unbuttoned everything, took my bra off, and kissed me on the p-spot. Then I performed oral sex. Afterwards, we talked for a while. I began to think we were really becoming something and when I asked, he could recite my phone numbers off the top of his head. He called later and said he enjoyed our 'meeting.'"

D. President's Day (February 19) Break-up

"I knew something was wrong when he hugged me and didn't stick his tongue down my throat. He'd always done that with such tenderness before, but this time nothing. And then he told me we had to stop fooling around, but I could come in to talk if he wanted. So now he just wanted to just be friends. I did not perform oral sex, even though I wanted to because it was President's Day. Symbolic or something."

E. Continuing Contacts

"We would flirt with each other in the halls or whenever we bumped into each other. I could tell he wanted to get back with me. He said he wanted to see a movie sometime, I said that would be weird, since we were just friends. It was weird. Most of the time my ex-boyfriends never wanted to see me again."

F. March 31 Sexual Encounter

"No oral sex, but he did stick a stogie in my hoochie."

April 1996: Ms. Lewinsky's Transfer to the Pentagon

"It was getting too obvious for all involved. We had to make a move."

Conversations with the President about Her Transfer

"He told me that he thought that my being transferred had something to do with him and that he was upset. He said, 'Why do they have to take you away from me? I trust you.' And then he said, 'I promise you if I win in November I'll bring you back like that.'"

Easter Telephone Conversations and Sexual Encounter

"I couldn't get his zipper down, so he always had to do it for me. I performed oral sex, but he didn't finish. He got a phone call and we did 'the routine' during the phone call."

April-December 1996: No Private Meetings, Just Phone Sex

A. Pentagon Job

"It sucked."

B. No Physical Contact

"It sucked."

C. Telephone Conversations

"I sucked."

D. Public Encounters

"It sucked."

E. Ms. Lewinsky's Frustrations

"It sucked."

Early 1997: Resumption of Sexual Encounters

February 28 Sexual Encounter

"He gave me a pin and Leaves Of Grass by Walt Whitman. We were fooling around and I was asking him why he wouldn't let me 'gobble the goo.' He said, 'I don't want to get addicted to this.' And then he let me finish for the first time. I tell you, there is no better satisfaction in this world than a job well done."

E. March 29 Sexual Encounter

"This was another one of those occasions when I was babbling on about something, and he just kissed me, kind of to shut me up, I think. He touched my p-spot with his p-thing, but he didn't go in. I performed oral sex to the end again."

F. Continuing Job Efforts

"I got screwed."

May 1997: Termination of Sexual Relationship

May 24: Break-up

"He told me he couldn't do it no more. And I was crying, and he told me it wasn't my fault, and then said 'You know I care for you, honey. I'm just married and old, and I gotta stop these kinds of shenanigans.' I never performed oral sex again with him."

Monday, January 26, 1998

"I want to say one thing to the American people. I want you to listen to me. I'm going to say this again: I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Miss Lewinsky. I never told anybody to lie, not a single time. Never. These allegations are false."

Matt Worley never thought of it as "performing" oral sex. He really meant it.

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