No more drive ups
by Matt Worley

Late last week, Gary Johnson (Governor of New Mexico) signed a bill banning all drive up liquor windows in the state. As of August 2, 1998, there will be no more cruising through the drive up lane for a late night hooch stop. This measure, it is hoped, will cut down on the amount of drunk driving in the state. I applaud this. No reason for drive up liquor windows--unless there's a really good reason why a driver can't drag his ass out of the car. I can think of a few reasons, but they aren't very good: 1. The driver thinks he's too drunk to walk. 2. The driver is too fat. 3. The driver is naked. All are signs that further consumption of liquor is not needed.

Of course, there are dissenting opinions. Lisa Ulibarri, president of the New Mexico Hospitality Retailers Association (which is a fancy shmancy name for a drive up liquor lobbying group), says this will not only hurt the hospitality business (why does that label sound wrong?), but to New Mexico business in general. Why? Because drunk people are more susceptible to the lures of consumerism? Subtle aside: Do we really need more lawyers constructing neatly layered sentences of bullshit for our reading consumption?

The answer, of course, is no. We don't need drive up liquor windows. Actually, we don't need drive up windows of any kind. If anyone is wondering, not many other nations have drive up windows. What are we in such a hurry for that we have to sit in our cars for five minutes while someone fixes a meal or prescription drugs or beer--just because it might take a second or two longer to park the car and walk into the store? Is there something so damn important somewhere else that a person can't walk the fifty feet from the car into the McDonald's for those feisty fries?

Not really, considering that food is being purchased. And the main reason a drive to McDonald's might be necessary would be hunger. There isn't anything more important anywhere else when a person is hungry. So why is the engine running?

We're in such a hurry to get somewhere, we forget the time we seem to be wasting is the time spent running from place to place. A little planning and grace, and those precious seconds you think you're losing by actually parking and walking into a store won't seem so precious anymore.

I was at a Best Buy a few months ago (it was the only place I could buy the new Prince), and a lady standing behind me in line was frantically trying to figure out which line would move faster. There were two people in front of me, and another line with two people in it as well. She was not happy about her situation.

"Everywhere I go I have to stand in line," she said, obviously worried about something happening elsewhere without her. I thought about making a joke about lines in the old U.S.S.R., but realized quickly it might not go over so well. I tried the laid back approach.

"I usually assume I'm going to have to stand in line wherever I go," I said, hoping a bit of consumer Zen might brush off. But it wasn't happening.

"Well, I don't have that kind of time," she said. After a few more seconds of fretting, she jumped into the second line. She was almost done with her transaction (Michael Bolton and a Titanic video documentary, I think--so very important to the sanity of civilized society) when I left the store. Best Buy, wisely, has no drive thru.

I don't think the woman actually had less time than I did, but she sure seemed to think so. Maybe she thought if she moved fast enough, she would eventually beat death. Maybe that's what we all think. Not gonna happen.

So let's slow things down a bit, and get less crazy about our time. We don't need to sit in drive through lanes waiting for the McRib, or Whopper, or Frosty or whatever new Ameri-Mex concoction Taco Bell throws at us. We don't have to have our prescription drugs so badly we can't walk into the pharmacy. And we certainly don't need the big bottle of Jose Cuervo Especial with the little packet of powder lime on the side careening out of the liquor window and into the street.

Matt Worley thought Fear and Loathing In Las Vegas: The Movie was muy bueno. And it makes a good case against pretty much any kind of controlled or semi-controlled substance on the planet. Purchased through a drive up window or otherwise. And it's one hell of a trip.

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