Picking the Oscars
by Matt Worley

I am not cheating in any way. I'm doing exactly what every voter of the Academy of Motion Picture bladdie blah does every year. I'm closing my eyes and throwing a dart at the target. I'm swimming blindly with the sharks. I will not let emotion stand in the way of picking the winners. And getting to this point has been relatively easy: I didn't go to see any of the nominated movies. I just read all the articles.

Not that I haven't been interested in seeing some of these flicks, but since they all came out at the end of the year (save two--one came and went, the other, well, I didn't like Pretty Woman, even though I do fully approve of whores and strippers as redeeming characters), I've been a little pressed for time and money.

And that's not to say I haven't seen any movies (hey, I saw Scream 2 and Alien 4--of course, my total expenditure for these movies was $1.50), but I just haven't gotten around to seeing the supposedly best five movies of 1997. And just to throw a question out before launching head first into oblivion, riddle me this Batman: If most of the best movies of 1997 came out in the last few weeks, what were we doing going to the movies for the first 50 weeks of the year? Practicing?

I'll get the big one out of the way first. Titanic will win best picture. And this is for the same reason Forrest Gump, The English Patient and Braveheart have won in the last few years: someone important dies. That and it just passed Star Wars as the biggest money maker of all time--and if that doesn't deserve a naked guy sheathed in gold, I don't know what does. This is a capitalist world, y'know. Everyone (who saw the movie more than once) would be really pissed if Titanic didn't win, like I was when E.T. lost. Nobody cares about movies like Chariots of Fire or Ghandi anymore. Which, in my opinion, is just fine. From what I hear on the streets, L.A. Confidential is the best movie.

Okay, best actor. Lots of good choices here because there are always a lot of good men's roles in movies. Personally, I think Dustin Hoffman should win. He was the best part about Wag The Dog--and I'm a pretty big De Niro fan. But Peter Fonda will probably win. Ever since the beginning of 1997, everyone has been talking about Ulee's Gold. But I probably won't see that one for a while, it's an old people's movie--I'll just laugh through Easy Rider again. About the same thing, I think. Kevin Kline should win a lifetime best actor award, but I guess being deft at comedy and drama is just a little too much for the Academy.

Helen Hunt wins for best actress, signs on for one last year of Mad About You, gets married to her longtime companion and begins a spectacular run at the box office starting in mid-1999. Or Kate Winslet wins because anything nominated for Titanic gets booster points. But I'm betting on Hunt. Personally, I think Sigourney Weaver should win for all of the movies she put out last year, but what the hey.

Robin Williams! The thing is, he always gets stuck in stupid movies. Kids movies about bouncing special effects, or he's the cartoon himself. Robin Williams is brilliant, and the award for best supporting actor always goes to actors who never get recognized for their big work. Williams should win. The only other who might come close is Burt Reynolds--no, I don't think so.

Best supporting actress. Minnie Driver. I have never seen a movie where Minnie wasn't brilliant. Funny thing is, I never knew until late this year that she was British. That's good acting. But the old lady from Titanic will win because, y'know, she's old.

The last big award is a toss up. I'd bet on James Cameron winning for--duh. But he's never really proved to be a good director of actors, so I can't really support that kind of bonehead voting. Gus Van Sant is very creative and interesting visually, and his characters always ooze with the creaminess of life--so this would be my emotional pick (even though I haven't seen Good Will Hunting). Curtis Hanson (L.A. Confidential) might squeak in during a slight Titanic backlash--but probably not. Cameron gave up his directing fee (and inexplicably, kept the cash for the screenplay) to get Titanic made. Even if the studios behind Titanic decide to pay him anyway, the gesture is certainly enough to win an Oscar. Here's a little extra to bet on at the office: how long after Titanic wins a boatload of Oscars will it take for Cameron to get his money? One day, two days...

And last, but closest to my heart, best screenplay. Original screenplay will go to Good Will Hunting. It won't win best picture, but like all runner ups, it'll win this. Deconstructing Harry should win, but it wasn't much of a feel good movie. Ditto for adapted screenplay. L.A. Confidential will win because it will be shut out of the big prizes. Donnie Brasco should win. Okay, maybe not, but I really dug that movie.

And Donnie Brasco came out at near the beginning of the year, so it makes me feel like I didn't waste 11 1/2 months of my life waiting for the good stuff.

Matt Worley is currently writing a comedy called 2006, sure to be shut out of the Oscars in 2001.

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