Me & my monkey
by Matt Worley

Whew! We almost had a problem there. There was almost something significant happening to the office of the President. And then a judge in Arkansas decided that, legally, nothing was ever actually said, so no one could have committed perjury (or influenced the perjury of another). Phew! I was thinking maybe we'd have one of those domino effect things happening, and instead President Clinton is making a goodwill tour of the country --he's coming to Albuquerque on Tuesday. Something about the State Of The Union and how he's gonna make it even better. And, like he said, "The state of the Union is strong." Pretty damn cool, Mr. Prez.

Oh sure, we all know some kind of hanky panky went on in the White House. We've been talking about it all week. Questions were asked, polls were taken and we've all decided that we don't care. Strike up the Fleetwood Mac, kids, we're gonna head full steam into the new century with nary a cloned human in sight. But, y'know, at least we've all been talking about the same thing this week (with the notable exceptions of Green Bay and Denver, who are still either shooting cheese or drunk). It's nice to have a national conversation about the legality of oral sex by a third party within the institution of marriage.

Congressional Side Note: Republicans are pissed. We could see it coming, though. There was just too much congeniality during the State of the Union address. All that clapping and whistling and standing up and down. Of course the biggest cheer came when the Prez credited the Congress with passing something REALLY IMPORTANT last year. Nothing like patting your own back. Walking your own dog. That kind of thing. It's what Congress is best at -- showing off its monkey. Gingrich and the rest of the Republicans played nice for a while, although there were a lot of people sitting (not clapping) when the Prez announced he wanted another raise in the minimum raise.

"It'll cut out entry level jobs entirely!" one crazed Republican yelled the next day. For a guy who makes over $100,000 a year, he should really keep his mouth shut when it comes to people who make less than $6 an hour. Y'know, if Congress was really serving the public, they outta make minimum wage so they knew how the public actually lives. Try eating every other day, Mr. Man. End Congressional Side Note.

When the judge hit the reject button on Starr's primary evidence, Republicans realized they were on the wrong side once again. There is a reason we don't care about oral sex in the white house. It's because there's oral sex in our houses -- and we certainly don't want to lose our jobs because of those hummers. Unlike many Congressman (on both sides), most Americans don't make a living working as hypocrites. So it would be stupid for most of us to take offense at the Prez's alleged offense.

Of course, many have argued (since we all need something to argue about) that it's not the sex that is the problem, but the lying. If most of us were asked about our sex lives by our bosses, we'd probably lie, too. Actually, if most of us were asked about our sex lives by our employers, we'd have a pretty nice sexual harassment case on our hands. Wanna know why? Because it's none of our employers' damn business where we put our monkeys.

I remember when I was younger and oral sex was the main topic of conversation with my friends. There was the "long road trip" hummer. The "hotel swimming pool" hummer. The "in the alley over by the curb" hummer. And, of course, the "in the Laz-Y-Boy while everyone was watching that stupid movie" hummer.

Little boys and their monkeys. It's a constant conversation around here still. And maybe we'll get over our oral sex jokes someday and focus on something real (like bombing the crap out of Iraq), but we like our hummer jokes. We send them all over the Internet to anyone with an open e-mail. We talk about them on late night TV shows and early morning red-eye radio shows. We can't say the phrase "Will you come into the room, my dear?" without erupting in Beavis and Butthead-like guffaws.

So maybe we all need to grow up a bit. But we're a young nation, and maybe this is just the late stages of country adolescence. We've certainly got the right conversations for it.

Matt Worley has a theory about oral sex, but, sadly, it has nothing to do with White House interns or the President.

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