Yeah, I'd like one of those in green
by Matt Worley

There have been a rash of big money tries at a certain world record recently. Bunches of balloonists, thrill seekers and entrepreneurs with too much money and time on their hands have been trying to balloon around the world without landing once. Each time they've ended up crashing somewhere. The latest attempt, which began right here in Albuquerque, ended in catastrophic failure. No one died, of course, but the two balloonists bailed out of their million dollar balloon/capsule contraption because they thought they were in peril after about 200 miles of flying. They didn't make it out of New Mexico.

The balloon, which was allowed to fly itself for a while after the balloonists jumped (and hurt themselves quite badly), made it into Texas where it downed power lines, burst into flame and burned into ashes. This attempt was underwritten by a few large companies, and one has to wonder -- was this a scam?

Now, I'm pretty sure it wasn't. The two guys just freaked out at a failure in one of the gas tanks and thought they were gonna die. And apparently attempting to fly around the world in a balloon without landing was not worth dying for. But think about it. What if these companies gave a million dollars to these two guys, who built a $50,000 death trap, jumped when it was evident the death trap wouldn't even make it past the Mississippi and let the evidence crash and burn? There's not much left to investigate. And the guys (who, it should be said, are still in the hospital from their jumping injuries -- apparently they'd never jumped out of a balloon before either) have a large amount of the million dollar investment to play with after the get healthier.

I know, that's pretty cynical. Obviously there is a perfectly good reason two guys would take a million dollars to try and balloon around the world -- to get their names in some record book somewhere. They want to be history. Time will tell if they get another million dollars to try and be history again.

It should be said, before I twist topics slightly, that there are easier ways to scam a million dollars. And none of them involve jumping from a balloon.

Michael Jordan, whose Bulls team defeated the New York Knicks by a point last night, has said he wouldn't mind playing for the Knicks. It wouldn't be next year, but maybe, after Phil Jackson takes a year away from coaching, he'll decide to take the position in New York and bring Jordan along.

Both Jackson and Jordan would make out like bandits (they'd get paid quite a bit of money) from a deal like this. And they would bring a new sheen to the New York sports scene, making them heroes in two of the largest cities in the nation. I'm going to compare this possibility (which is not really a plan or even anywhere near definite or reality) to equally entertaining possibilities.

Jerry Seinfeld has called it quits with one of the most successful sit-coms in TV history. He was reportedly offered $5 million an episode (26 episodes X $5 million = $130 million) by NBC and everyone else involved in selling the show to stay on. He said no. What if Jerry were to take the sit-com to CBS after this year?

William Shatner, Star Trek's Captain Kirk (for those not paying attention), let his character die in the seventh Star Trek film (Generations) from complications resulting from a fall from scaffolding or something like that. No matter how degrading this death might be to his supposedly rogue-ishly heroic character, Kirk is dead. What if Shatner decides that his DNA should be cloned for yet another Star Trek movie? And another question might be, why the hell would they clone Kirk to be fat and old, rather than young and virile like the original TV series?

President Clinton said this week that we need legislation to keep scientists from cloning humans. As if the law was a good deterrent for scientific experiments. We've been fascinated with the idea of vampires, werewolves, Frankenstein's monsters and other un-dead ideas of immortality. We've been trying to make robots and computers that think like humans. Why would a law keep anyone from cloning a human? It won't, but this way, you see, we can put the scientist in jail if he does.

The problem with all of these scenarios is that they could quite easily happen. As humans, we always want to do more than we really should in a quest to prove something. The problem with pushing for more is that the more usually brings up a whole assortment of new problems. But we humans must push forward, either for advancement, evolution or stupidity. Because we can't really tell the difference.

So maybe the guys who jumped out of their million dollar ballooning death trap will get another million or so to try again. And maybe Jordan will move to New York in a few years (he'll be around 40, right?). And, sure, a human will be cloned. Somehow I really doubt if the scientist that does it gets thrown in jail. Because if they throw the scientist in jail, what will they do with his clone -- his genetically manipulated son or daughter? They can't kill it. It will be a human. Just like the rest of us.

Matt Worley is looking forward to raising himself when cloning becomes affordable for underpaid ramblers.

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