Twelve steps for impeachment addiction
by Michael Maiello

It's ruining my life, this impeachment. I didn't show up for work yesterday because I wanted to watch CNN. All day. Few commercial breaks. Henry Hyde, stern faced and staring at the panel. Angry Republicans. Backpedaling Democrats, "I know our President the flesh-eating spawn of Satan, but..."

I'm going to lose my job. My girlfriend left me because I make her wear big hair, lipstick, and a blue dress. "I just--I won't do it anymore!"

"Monica, baby..."

"My name's not Monica!"

"Fine, leave. But just--don't tell anyone about the gifts I gave you."

Fortunately, I have the twelve steps.

Step one: I admit I have a problem. I think constantly of puns of Ken Starr's name. Now Henry Hyde's. I... I want Penthouse to publish nude Monica photos. I do. I have a problem.

Step two: I admit I'm powerless to solve the problem. I... I can't even watch the Simpson without flipping to MSNBC during commercial breaks. Tell me what to think Geraldo! Tell me what to think!

Step three: I appeal to a higher power. I reject the false Gods of MSNBC. I appeal to--to Cokie Roberts. Show me the light, Cokie. No, I'm doing it again. God, I appeal to God. God save me from this endless downward spiral that has become my life. I used to go to church, really but--the Sunday morning talk shows--they're so important... I mean, are they going to impeach the man? Are they going to... Oh, God, why have you forsaken me?

Step Four: I apologize to all I've hurt. I'm sorry for using the word "gism" over dinner. I'm sorry for what I told you I was gonna do with that cigar...

Step Five: I'm gonna quit cold turkey. It's been--it's been three hours since my last CNN vigil.

Step Six: I'm gonna stop lying to people and telling them I was just "willfully misleading" them. I'm gonna stop admiring Clinton's wit "I'm not here to do your job for you." I'm gonna stop think that oral sex isn't sex because I'm-- because in oral sex I only touch the woman's mouth.

Step Seven: No, forget it. I quit your stupid group. I quit your stupid morality. here's what I'm gonna do:

I'm going to say that oral sex is good and relaxing and great for Presidents. I'm going to say it's okay to lie if people ask you improper questions. I'm going to say let Hillary decide. I'm going to say that Henry Hyde is a big old hypocrite. The jerk didn't want to impeach Reagan, for Cokie Roberts' sake! Reagan! Who funded illegal wars and got people killed. Hyde had an affair and lied about it. He said he was young. He was forty! I hate him, I hate him, I hate him.

I hate that the Republicans were drafting articles of impeachment while Clinton's defense team was testifying. They weren't even listening! I'm not surprised, I just hate them for it.

I'm going to sink willingly into this addiction. Because it's all on us now. The Judiciary Committee has made up its mind. They're going to impeach him, no matter what the country wants. The House might follow suit. They probably will, since all they need is a simple majority. If I were Clinton, I'd let it happen. They'll lose in the Senate. He should tell them all to take their censure and shove it. Then we should get behind out President, protest and burn things. "Make Oral Sex, Not Secret Wars in Nicaragua."

I don't care if I lose my job. I don't care if I lose my girl. I'm going to stay on constant watch, because those Republicans make me craaaaaaazy!

Michael Maiello's personal psychiatrist has a deal for a book called Monicathosis.

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