Viva Gorditas
by Michael Maiello

I drove by an elementary school the other day and saw "Viva Gorditas" on their announcement sign. I asked my parents, both public school teachers about it, and they told me Taco Bell gives money to schools. In exchange, the schools teach Latin American history featuring a chihuahua dressed like Che Guevara.

"Yo quiero--" Go to hell.

Look, I'm not an advertising hater. I figure it doesn't control my life or warp my thoughts, he said, sipping a Coke, typing on an iMac, thinking about taking his car to the Chevron station after work because Techron is a good fuel additive. Whoah. Lost control there. Forgot I was a cynical part of Generation NeXt...

Coca-Cola sent a letter to an elementary school (I'm not, as Dave Barry says, making this up), suggesting thwart the students needed better access to their vending machines and should be allowed to drink Coca-Cola products in class, or at least, bottled water out of their machines. Great. Sugared up coke-heads. That'll solve the violence problems. That'll solve attention deficit disorder. Try new Coke. Caffeine free with Ritalin!

Try Cokezac, guaranteed to promote emotional stability. It's sugar free and loaded with St. John's Wort (or is that "wart?") Now children, we're going to learn about the Boston Pepsi Party, where angry revolutionaries dumped cans of Pepsi into the, uh... the Potomac, yeah, that's it... It doesn't matter. Drink your Pepsi.

Schools which feature educational TV channel 1 also feature commercials. Someone's gotta pay for the programming. Some kid wore a Pepsi t-shirt at his school's Coke day and got in trouble (or was it a Coke t-shirt on Pepsi day?)

Well, I mean, these corporations are giving money to schools, so we gotta pay them back somehow, right? But I have an idea that'll solve this problem. It's an old idea, and a good one, but--

It'll have to wait for this commercial break.

DRINK COKE EAT GORDITAS GET FAT BY DIET PILLS GET INTEL INSIDE! DRINK PEPSI, FALL INTO THE GAP, ONCE YOU POP YOU CAN'T STOP!

We're back. The idea-- right. Okay, brace yourselves. We use public money to fund public schools. See, cuz then the schools aren't beholden to multinational corporations. Hey, you over there who fell out of your chair, get up, and sit up straight and listen! Public money. See, cuz they're public schools. We pay for them because it's important to have an educated population. So, that's my idea. Public funding for public schools. It's from way out in left field, I know.

Also, you can cut out the TV commercials by either a) showing them PBS or B) teaching them with people. Let's get it right. TV is a babysitter, not a teacher! You use TV to raise your kids at home, you need people to teach them in school. Where have all your values gone?

You got your kids hopped up on coke, your teachers hopped up on coffee, the TV blaring, the vending machines popping, Intel inside and Apply outside, gobs of money changing hands and you know what? The European kids are still smarter than us. Public funding, human teachers, maybe a few books. That's my solution. He said, sipping a Coca Cola...

Michael Maiello would like to emphasize that in no way does he wish to imply that caffeinated soft drinks might cause discipline problems at school. He has no desire to deal with that lawsuit.

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