The moderate manifesto
by Michael Maiello

People have been debating "moderates" lately. You know, those people who are broad minded enough to say things like "Well, I don't really agree with the President having affairs, but they shouldn't impeach him over it." Come to think of it, the President's a pretty broad-minded guy. Huh? Get it? Eh? Nudge, nudge, wink, wink...

Moderates don't believe in anything. That's what extremists say. It's a funny argument. "Well, I believe the Earth is flat, but at least I believe in something." I guess I'm kind of a moderate. That's a disappointment, since being an extremist is more fun. More people yell at you. More people argue with you. People groan when you butt into a conversation. How am I moderate?

Well, I've stolen some beliefs from the far left and stolen some beliefs from the far right. On one hand, I believe in social programs. I think everyone should be able to feed themselves and their families. I believe that everyone should have a house and utilities and health care. I believe the government should make sure that happens. I believe in public funding for the arts, even the offensive arts. Lefty, lefty, lefty. But, I don't think the grants should come without obligation. I think an artist receiving an NEA grant should be required to volunteer a certain amount of time each week teaching arts in public schools, so they have to give something back. I believe the government should have built the super collider. I believe we should cut defense spending. Lefty, lefty, lefty.

Now, I agree with some right wingers who want a more isolationist foreign policy. I think we should stay away from Iraq and Bosnia. I also agree with right wingers who want free global trade. I think it's silly that I can't buy Cuban cigars if I want. I believe that Americans should be allowed to own guns, because some people think guns are fun and they make neat noises. But I also agree with the Brady Bill because it makes sense. You want something dangerous, you have to submit to a background check. I want gun control, but not abolition. Lefty? Righty? Hmmmm...

I agree with the libertarians who say that marijuana should be legalized. I think more drugs than that should be legalized. But not PCP. I tend to disagree with the libertarians because they don't want to pay any taxes, and I think that's silly.

So, I have my leanings and I'm a little more of a "left wing moderate," but the Democrats routinely piss me off as often as the Republicans, so I'm a registered independent. Sometimes, I can't tell the difference between the parties. Neither wing seems like they fully share my values. So I pick and choose, issue by issue, candidate by candidate, and I don't attend fundraising or victory parties for anyone. Left or right? Not really applicable for me. Do I have beliefs? Yes. But neither wing satisfies them, and so I get the label "moderate." Moderates of the world unite! We have nothing to lose but our ideological chains.

Michael Maiello straddles the ideology arroyo in Albuquerque, N.M.

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