Give Israel the bomb
by Michael Maiello

If anything makes me sick, it's nuclear paranoia. Ooh, I'm so scared that India has the bomb. Like we don't have a lot more bombs. More bombs that reach farther. Also in the news, Korea has a nuclear delivery capability that could let them hit Alaska. Fine by me. I've got reruns of Northern Exposure if I'm curious about Alaska.

Besides, that's always struck me as more Canadian than American. Having that piece of land jutting off the edge of our continent just gives the Russians a back door into the land of Manifest Destiny and Monroe Doctrine I like to call the continent of North America.

Hey, Pakistan has the bomb too. And they hate India. Now, I think that's a problem, because who could actually hate India? That muggy land where Allen Ginsberg went and where much of W. Somerset Maughum's The Razor's Edge takes place. I mean, if you hate India, you've got serious problems.

The French have the bomb, which should make Germany think twice. Except that Germany has the bomb. Really, we should take away the French bomb. Germany's more than earned France, I think. Besides, the French were nasty to the Indians, and were pretty nasty throughout Southeast Asia, and in the end, it's probably people like the French who make small Asian nations want the bomb in the first place.

Really, without the French, China probably wouldn't be so mean. Well, without the French and the Japanese at any rate. Which doesn't make any sense at all, I know. But, before and ruing the second World War, Japan wreaked horrible havoc on China. Come to think of it, they wreaked horrible havoc on the U.S. as well. It's a good thing those little bullies are surrounded by nuclear powers. It's the only thing that keeps them quiet.

Basically, the problems of modern politics can be traced back to the French and the Japanese. I know, people usually blame the Germans and the Russians. But, I think we can absolve Germany of any real blame. They fought France fair and square the first time, and the French won with a lot of outside help. Then, the French had to go rubbing it in for years. We get these reparations. We get the Rhine. So, they antagonized the Germans and then they got slapped for it.

The Japanese can't help but pick on larger countries.

And the Pakistanis. I mean, hate India. Whatever.

Basically, I say we give Israel the bomb and then turn our backs while those three global trouble makers get taken care of. Excuse me, did I say give Israel the bomb? Yeah, right. Like they don't already have the bomb. Like they haven't had the bomb for oh, two decades at least.

And if the above sounds a little feeble to you, it's no different than our nuclear proliferation policy has been. If you're kind of American like, say Britain or Israel, than you can have the bomb and we won't freak out. But when India gets the bomb... when North Korea gets the bomb...

No we're the bomb and we should decide who gets the bomb. Which makes no reasonable sense at all, except that we had it first, and are acting under the odd impression that we can keep people we don't like away from some pretty old notions about how the atom works.

I hope people are prepared for more and more stories about the bomb falling into the hands of strange little countries we've never heard of. Because it's going to happen. Because it's completely inevitable. It's time to face facts. We made the thing, and now it's grown up and is about head out into the world and you can't stop it anymore than you can call for a late term abortion on your 23-year-old son.

And, as long as we have the bomb, and as long as we're willing to use it, it's pretty hard to argue that other countries don't have the right to build whatever weapons they want. Hey, we got what we wanted. The whole world is living under our good old American morality. Who'd have guessed they'd start acting like us?

Michael Maiello got the bomb a couple weeks ago, and he's a much better man for it.

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