Catching up
by Michael Maiello

Well, I take a few weeks off to contend with a minor blockage of creativity (cured of course, with lots of fiber) and what happens? Kids start shooting each other at school. The Paula Jones case is dropped. The Asian Market Crises was forgotten.

Ah... the news. What the heck is MSNBC supposed to report on without the Paula Jones case? I think they should arm and agitate more eleven and fourteen year olds. They've got to stay in business some how. There was even a separate school shooting incident -- a 14-year-old fired five shots into his school, hitting no one. How did he explain it? He was stressed out.

Well, it seems obvious to me what needs to be done. Our children are being bombarded with violent, antisocial impulses, and if we want them to be fruitful and happy adults, we have to rescue them from the immoral influences of postal workers. It's the only thing that explains it. For too long we've let our children look up to our pathological mail couriers. It must end here. We need regulations; no Post Offices within a mile of any school. No mail deliveries to schools. Let's nip this thing in the bud, eh?

Robert Novak got so silly looking for things to talk about that he started opining about the virtues of slavery and all the successful black Americans who wouldn't even be here without that old institution. Yeah, and all those great southern mansion style homes and plantations, too. Let's all give three cheers for slavery and all the good it's done. Maybe we should make Robert Novak a slave. All that outdoor work would do wonders for his pasty complexion.

Oh, and Clinton went to Africa and apologized (kind of) for the whole slavery thing. That's what got Novak so peeved. It actually got a lot of people peeved. Heaven forbid we admit we were wrong about something. Next they'll want us to apologize for bombing the hell out of Laos. Pretty soon, you won't be able to invade, attack or imprison any group of people without having to get all sorry about it. Clinton has set a bad precedent.

Here in New Mexico we had a recent controversy about our quadrocentennial. Seems some people want to put up a statue of Don Juan de Onate, but, well, Don Juan kind of got mad at the natives when he came here and, well, cut off a bunch of their, well, their feet. Natives would like to remind us that such practices can hurt people. But a group called the Hispanic Anti-Defamation League wants to know why they can't celebrate one of their heroes with public money. So, maybe I shouldn't be so surprised about the slavery apology flap. People don't like to admit they were ever wrong. They don't like to admit their ancestors were ever wrong. They won't even admit that people living in their country hundreds of years before them might have been wrong. Well, it ain't easy being wrong, I guess.

But foot-cutting. That ain't right.

Jesus Christ, Kenneth Starr still thinks he's important. He's still going for impeachment. Some things didn't change in three weeks. Everything else might have changed, but not Kenneth Starr. The guy'll be trying to impeach Clinton even after he leaves office.

Tobacco wars still raging. Shocker that the companies don't want to play ball, huh?

Peace in Northern Ireland. For now.

Tammy Wynette died, giving people another reason to be mad at Hillary for saying she wasn't a "little woman standing by her man like Tammy Wynette" back in 1992. Will Hillary's evil never cease. She killed Tammy. Will the Judds ever feel safe until the Clintons are out of power?

Not a lot changed in the last three weeks. But I feel all caught up now. Be back next week, into the swing of things.

Michael Maiello is still searching for that one perfect job. Maybe dogboy...

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