No sexual relations without representation
by Michael Maiello

Europeans think Americans are sexually naive, Puritan psychotics who prefer violence to sex in any form, and fear the human sexual organ with an intensity most people reserve only for the atomic bomb. Hell, I'm an American and even I think of us that way some times.

Bill Clinton had an affair with another big-haired woman, and people are starting to mutter the word impeach as if Clinton covering up a little marital infidelity is as bad as Nixon covering up a plot to break into a political party headquarters with armed commandos.

Of course, the Clinton bashers have been careful to point out that this isn't about the affair. That Clinton has had sex outside his marriage is just an example of his bad character. That she's in her early twenties just illustrates that the President will rob the cradle (how many times have we heard Monica Lewinsky described as "just a few years older than the President's daughter?") It's the lying that's brought about the impeachment talk. Did he encourage a young, big haired girl to lie in a sworn affidavit? Did he lie in his own videotaped testimony?

All that testimony has nothing to do with Whitewater. It's all part of the Paula Jones civil trial. Jones is a political enemy of Clinton's who announced her allegations at a Republican fund raiser a few years back. Maybe the allegations are true. Jones' lawyers interviewed Lewinsky to see if they can prove a pattern of infidelity in Clinton's life.

But Lewinsky said nothing happened. To me, even if she's lying, it's okay. She lied about a private relationship, and might well feel it's none of any court's business. Then, she blabbed the story to some woman named Tripp, and Tripp taped the conversation.

Why did Tripp tape the conversation? Well, she was a former Bush employee. She also accused Clinton of having an affair with some other woman, and everyone called her a liar. So she started taping everything she heard, so no one could accuse her of lying. She also, strangely enough, had a book agent who gave her the taping idea. So, maybe she was out to collect her dirt on tape, and write a nice Washington bestseller. She's certainly not loyal to her friends. In the old days, we knew how to deal with finks wearing wires.

Enter Kenneth Starr. He's a special prosecutor who's been investigating Whitewater since early in the Big Bang. According to Stephen Hawking, radiation leaks in singularities can actually be attributed to Kenneth Starr holding press conferences. Really.

For some reason, Tripp brought the tapes of Lewinsky saying she had an affair with Clinton (who she called "the big creep" and "the big he" and, my favorite, "schmucko") to Starr. Starr wired her for future conversations with Lewinsky.

Now, the reason I mapped out the whole cast of characters earlier is that everyone seems to miss this point. Starr has been investigating Whitewater, which involves land deals in Arkansas dating back to Clinton's terms as governor of that state during the Reagan years. For some reason, he ordered a wire tap on a conversation about Clinton having an affair.

Such information might be useful to the Paula Jones lawyers, who are basically running a case about sex, trying to prove Clinton made unwanted advances on Jones. But it has nothing to do with Starr's real estate investigation.

So, what's Starr up to? At my most devious, I guess he's trying to use the Jones case as a device to force Whitewater witnesses into perjuring themselves by testifying differently to both Jones' lawyers and the prosecutors. Now, with Lewinsky teetering on the edge of a perjury conviction, Starr can offer her immunity for any testimony he wants. Maybe Lewinsky, as a White House intern, had access to information she hasn't disclosed. We'll see.

That's just a possible motivation for Starr, and it might be total fantasy. But when I look at this story, I see Starr as guilty of the only public wrong doing. It might be wrong to have an affair, but that's between the husband and wife. It might be wrong to lie, it's important to consider the topic of the lie. If people looked at an affair as "something to be worked out between a husband and wife" then one could be expected to be truthful about it. But people are nosy, and admitting to an affair exposes a person to all sorts of punishment from people who won't mind their own business. So, it's wrong to lie, but I can understand lying about an affair. The truth isn't worth the aggravation.

Starr is the real villain. He should never have wired Tripp, because this whole Clinton sex story has nothing to do with Whitewater. Starr is grasping desperately for evidence because he has run a failed investigation for four years, spent $30 million and turned up nothing. His investigation no longer has boundaries, and he has managed to embarrass the President and derail the country with an audiotape he never should have obtained.

I'm willing to let Bill work out his affair with Hillary. I'm willing to let Jones work out her issues in court. I'm hoping they leave Lewinsky alone, and I hope she kicks her "friend" Tripp's teeth in and then jams a hidden mike down her esophagus. As for Kenneth Starr-- he should be publicly flogged and forced to pay back the $30 million from his botched investigation.

Michael Maiello has returned to the land of enchantment, intent on scoring a publishing deal, or, at the very least, some sleep.

return to the Shut up, I'm talking page
return to the LIES home page
return to the A&A home page