As we wrap up our holiday season of peace on earth and goodwill toward men with the bombing of a country and the impeaching of a president, I figure I should devote a moment to the reason for pleasing in the season--the gifts.
In my Christmas haul, there were some presents that put a big smile on my face while others had my head shaking with confusion wondering if they meant to put my name on the wrapping paper. Whether I liked it or hid it, I have no intention of taking the gifts to a department store for credit. This post-holiday ritual of taking back the crap is one of the most disgusting displays of selfishness we could think of.
Now, if a toy is broken or defective, a trip to the department store is merited, but all of these people who didn't get quite what they wanted filling up stores demanding credit for something they didn't purchase is pretty lame.
Why should anyone brave the stores or Internet for hours at a time if the people they give their gifts to will just return to the store to get something of relatively equal cash value? Shouldn't we be thankful someone thought of us enough to give a gift we didn't really want? Take a break, smile and be appreciative.
But do we do that? Nope. We (and I mean the collective soul of the country 'we' and not actually you, the beautiful reader of e-mail columns) go out to battle through the lines we battled for the last month. What an amazing holiday Christmas is! What other religious holiday can you attempt to fix everything that didn't go right by exchanging your booty? You can't switch out your eggs on Easter, or ask for leavened bread on Passover, or bomb a country during Ramadan. Oh, scratch off that last one. I'm too lazy to edit.
But the point is that we're caught in some bizarre post-modern trap. We spend our time looking for something that somehow shows we care about the person, and when we exchange gifts, we trade them in for something that shows we really care about ourselves. Nobody buys better things for us than ourselves. We get exactly what we want that way.
Maybe next year, we should buy presents for ourselves and send people we care about a note saying what we bought for ourselves in their honor. "Thanks for the eyebrow trimmer, Harry. I purchased it for myself with you in mind. It's exactly what I was looking for. Merry Christmas!"
***Warning!!! Tangent!!!*** Oops, I said Merry Christmas, and I didn't even take into account the people who aren't Christians. Of course, I talk about eating meat without caring about vegetarians, walking without thinking about paraplegics, consuming alcohol without considering the sober, having sex with women without empathizing with the homosexuals, climbing the mountains without thinking about beach bums, and living life in some tolerable manner without consulting about the dead. Basically, everything anyone says can be offensive if they let it, so don't freak out. I don't think atheists or non-Christians should be bugged when I say Merry Christmas. I say Merry Christmas to myself all of the time, and I'm no worse for wear. ***Tangent Over. Please return to the column already without coherency.***
Back to my point. Don't take back your gifts. Put them on a shelf, in a corner, in a box in the basement, or on a pile in the backyard to whither away. Eventually after Christmas present becomes Christmas past for a few years, you can do whatever you want without any repercussions. Much like all of the memories of Christmas past.
Basically, be thankful, be appreciative, and be nice. Besides, all of the crap you return will just be replaced by crap you will enjoy for a few moments and then discard. By that time, it will be the Christmas season again, and I can write this column all over again using different, replaced and exchanged words.
I can still trade in my own gifts, can't I? Did I say that was bad? What exactly did I just say?