Operation Pull Pot
a SUIT column by Chris Jungle

While Santa may be coming down the chimney of many homes in the United States, don't be surprised to see the U.S. Marines storming through the homes and fields of St. Vincent in the Caribbean. Move over Saddam, hush up bin Laudin, we've finally found an enemy worthy of sending in our troops: marijuana.

Six Marine Corps helicopters will fly over the Soufriere Volcano and drop St. Vincent policemen to pull out marijuana plants growing in the mountainous terrain. One of my parents favorite chores-with-no-end as a kid was pulling weeds, and I never quite understood the reason for doing such a masochistic act. I would pull the weeds for hours, creating clumps of dirt and humps of dead weeds, leaving the land weed-free for at least a month. Before I had finished another unending chore of pushing a rock up a hill, the weeds had grown back, and I was out yanking out the next generation of undesirable plants.

Had my parents encouraged me by saying "Keep pulling those mustard weeds, some day you'll be qualified to pull marijuana out of the ground in the Caribbean," I might have been able to pass the time dreaming of the day the government would send me into the war against drugs. Unfortunately, I could not see beyond my childhood training to realize I was priming myself for the most prestigious weed pulling job in the world.

Of course, not everyone is pleased with the weed pulling operation. A group of 800 marijuana farmers have sent a letter to President Clinton demanding compensation for the lost plants. They claim the destruction of marijuana will create further hardships for an area that currently has 40 percent unemployment. The movement claims that the marijuana pulling, coupled with the U.S. action against the banana industry could lead to civil unrest. The banana industry on St. Vincent employs 60 percent of all workers.

Bananas and pot. Pot and bananas. Is it just me, or does anyone else have a hankering for a traditional St. Vincent bananajuana smoothie?

Maybe pulling pot out of the mountains of St. Vincent isn't such a good idea. We are capitalists, and it is Christmas time. Do we need to be screwing over poor farmers in Caribbean territories? Many of the farmers say without bananas or marijuana, they will turn their labors toward aiding cartels in smuggling cocaine and heroin. Remember the capitalist rule: always take work from the guys who pay the best. Oh yeah, one more: morals and ethics are for the already wealthy. Capitalism is fun, isn't it?

Regardless of this column, the Marines will fly in, the St. Vincent police will yank as many pointy-leafed bastards as they can find, and many handshakes, smiles and pictures will occur. Meanwhile, the farmers probably just harvested a little early, planted for the next season, and the overall effect was minimal. Not to mention all of the marijuana plants growing in the fifty states of the union. Maybe the goal was to encourage Americans to buy from the states and not the territories?

In the end, Operation Pull Pot will be another expensive battle signifying nothing. Helicopter flights aren't cheap, pounds and pounds of St. Vincent marijuana are cheap, and the government will still deny that the sale and distribution of narcotics is an inevitable evil of our society and culture.

I'll leave you with an SAT question I think I got right as a kid.

I. People value money.
II. Selling narcotics is profitable.
III. It is possible for the US government to solve the contradictions of its society.

Which of the following is true?
A. I only
B. II and III
C. I and II
D. All of the above
E. None of the above

Which did you pick?

Chris Jungle now includes weed puller on the special skills section of his resume.

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