Election lessons learned A SUIT lesson by Chris Jungle
Well, I voted last Tuesday, which means I'm allowed to spout of my extraneous opinions about politics for another year. It may be a one mouth-one vote system, but I have a big mouth sometimes.
This election taught me a few things, and therefore a few things will I share:
1. Bill Clinton will always screw over the Republicans. The elephants may impeach him, drag his sexual exploits across the public record, and possibly kick him out of office, but they can never beat him. Clinton's exploits lulled the Republicans into thinking they could sweep the election on the sex scandal "issue" alone. It backfired. A brilliant strategy by the president. Like him or hate him, Clinton has been the most entertaining president in a long time and probably for a long time to come. And let's face it, I'm pretty much sticking around in this world for its entertainment value.
2. Politics is a rich man's game. Over a billion dollars were spent in an off year election. In New Mexico, the Democratic candidate spent over five million dollars for a congressional seat he didn't win. If people really want to buy my vote, then buy it! Send me gifts, give me free foot massages, mail me checks I can cash upon receiving. If you're going to spend millions of dollars to get elected and none of it trickles down to me, why would I think you'd help me in anyway after you have the job? When the mob ran elections, they paid people off and roughed others up. Money and influence win elections. You need to use both, and not one or the other.
3. Politicians ignore enough of the population that a dark horse can screw the whole corrupt process. Jesse "The Body" Ventura is now the governor of Minnesota. That's right. Professional wrestling is now a stepping stone on the political trail. Apparently, Jesse appealed to the young, undereducated, and other non-voting demographics. Politicians usually forget that an intelligent vote isn't worth any more than a stupid one. Just because people are ignorant, stupid, or uninterested doesn't mean you should ignore them. These are the people you're supposed to be helping to become better people. If you ignore them, you get what you deserve. An ex-wrestler for a governor.
4. I can't pick a winner to save my life. That's what I get for voting mostly green party. I picked wrong for the governor, my state representative, and secretary of state. I did get it right for attorney general, but no one should go out boozing in celebration for backing the right horse for attorney general. It doesn't really bother me that I never pick the right candidates. I rarely come into contact with them, and when I do, they want something from me instead of me with them. It's a little backwards, but then again, so is politics. I voted for all of the bond issues, and most of them passed. I actually see and use the effects of bond issues. See? I'm not throwing away my vote after all.
5. I'm predicting the Bush-Gore showdown in a couple years. When that happens, you'll see what I mean about how entertaining Clinton is. You'll practically beg him for another scandal.
6. An open message to all those who won elections. Keep the money flowing. I'm not saying it's a politically correct moralistic message, but it's the truth. Nothing makes you look better than giving everyone a chance to make money. When the masses have money, they don't get mad at politicians. It has nothing to do with taxes, it has nothing to do with "the issues," it has nothing to do with a thousand points of light or a bridge to the twenty-first century. It has to do with keeping a couple crisp newly designed twenty dollar bills in everyone's pockets, so we can buy entertainment in all the many facets it comes in.
See? I told you it was all about entertainment.
Chris Jungle is still available to run your political campaign in 2000.