You're our man, but we don't like you
a shupimta column by Chris Jungle

My junior high years were spent at a place called Yucca Junior High, and as everyone knows, politics is king in junior high. In ninth grade, every class was supposed to select a person to be on the ballet for Mr. and Miss Yucca. Mr. and Miss Yucca were supposed to be the finest representatives the school had to offer, and usually they were the prettiest most popular girls matched with biggest most popular guys. As a joke, the athletics class nominated a Laotian guy named Fong. He could barely speak English, knew very little of American culture, but was a polite kid nonetheless. The pre-teen jocks thought it would be hilarious if they could influence the vote so much that they could get anyone elected. Even Fong. A fresh new batch of lobbyists were born.

Fast forward to the present (thank you for rewinding) where an alliance of New Mexico environmental groups called the Conservation Voters Alliance gave a reluctant endorsement for governor to the Democratic candidate Martin Chavez. Although they were pleased with neither Chavez's or the Republican incumbent Gary Johnson's environmental track record, the alliance felt they had to pick someone.

"I think they (the CVA) are choosing the lesser of two evils," John Horning of the Forest Guardians said. "From an environmental perspective, it's a choice between Attila the Hun and Genghis Khan."

Imagine if we actually got to vote on which tyrant would overrun us. I'd lobby for Shaka Zulu or Sitting Bull.

World domination jokes aside, there is one pertinent question to be posed. If there are no good candidates for your cause, why would you endorse anybody? If I had to choose between someone who beat me up and another who slashed my tires, I wouldn't pick the tire slasher because property damage is better than physical violence. Would you pick a rapist over a pedophile because the rapist chooses older victims? What about a devil worshipper and a radical apocalyptic Christian? A drug user or a sex-aholic? Ah, the candidates we'll choose in a world of lesser evils.

If the candidates aren't concerned with the issue that a lobbyist group stands for, the group shouldn't endorse anyone. It's as simple as that. They should make a big deal that the candidates don't care about them, so they won't help anyone get elected.

I know the alliance wants to display that it is an influential beast in the election process, but what kind of message are they making when they endorse a candidate they don't even approve of? It makes them look bad. Worse than bad. It makes them look weak.

"Hey Chris, didn't the guy you're voting for slash your tires?"

"Yeah, but at least he didn't beat me up."

What good is endorsing a candidate who does nothing to help your causes, does nothing champion your ideas, and you support him anyway? He gets your endorsement for nothing. You give it away. Here, take all of our voting influence. You haven't earned it, but the other guy earned it less.

I'm not saying people shouldn't vote at all, but if it's obvious that neither candidate is environmentally conscious, environmental groups shouldn't tell anyone to vote for the candidates for environmental reasons. I like the environment. I like voting for environmentally conscious politicians. It's a influential issue for me. But if no one is doing anything, don't tell us to vote for the person who does the least harm. What kind of slogan could there be? Vote for this guy! The other guy will hurt more!

There are other issues, other points of debate, other beliefs which will have to sway my vote in this election.

The alliance should have made it very clear that no vote made on election day will benefit the environment, and no candidate is worthy of their endorsement. It comes off a little snotty, but it beats looking weak. Nothing's worse than a weak lobby.

Back to junior high (be kind, please rewind), Fong did not win Mr. Yucca. Although he received the pre-teen jock vote, he still could not overpower those who felt big, strong, good looking, popular, fluent English speaking guys should be elected. But Fong was put on the Mr. Yucca court and his picture on the Mr. Yucca yearbook page. The jock lobby may not have swayed the election, but they made an impact. A powerful lobby to be reckoned with.

Chris Jungle is undergoing a psychological evaluation after slashing the tires on his car and beating himself up.

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