The value of the special paper
a shupimta column by Chris Jungle

I haven't touched one of the snazzy new twenty dollar bills yet, but I've seen them a mere three feet away from me. The money doesn't seem real to me yet. The big numerical 20s on the back are reminiscent of monopoly money, everything looks like it has been photocopied and blown up, and Andrew Jackson looks as bushy-haired and drunk as ever. Jackson was always an underrated presidential money face even though he vetoed a bill to re-charter the Bank of the United States. Any president who single-handedly destroys the national banking system deserves his face on money. But enough editorial blather about historical facts from far, far away. Let's talk about the money of today.

I remember an old, dirty, decrepit man with shaving cuts all over his face who shared strange maxims with me. "Twenty bucks is twenty bucks," he would occasionally say. "But can you spare some change?"

To counter him, I would say "A quarter isn't just a quarter if it's all you have." Our master-grasshopper conversation would go on for a good little time before the sky starting melting and I realized I was dreaming. Like all good columnists, I pondered on the meanings of such dreams with old men way too long.

What exactly does money represent? Does it still have value if someone considers it valuable? It used to mean you could exchange the special green pieces of paper in for gold (the best money in the world for centuries). Then, the United States switched from gold to the silver standard. Silver, while not worth as much as gold, was still a pretty valuable metal. I've never been a metal craving man, so I've always kept the special pieces of paper employers reward me with. What am I going to do with a bunch of shiny yellow and gray metal? Of course, I can't even trade in my bills for shiny metal any more.

With the stock market making fun of everyone who believes in it, the dollar recently "has taken a beating." It almost sounds like twenty bucks isn't always twenty bucks. In fact, my old man money dreams have conjured up interesting apocalyptic visions, so I figured I'd share them with everyone. Remember for all of those playing at home, my name isn't Daniel or John, but I can still do dream interpretations just the same.

What happens when the world stops believing in the value of money? Ask the confederate states from the Civil War, ask the Russians from a month ago, ask Thailand, ask everyone when they have handfuls of green paper not worth the ink it's printed with. Then, the big R occurs.

Riot.

Riot, steal all the booze. Riot, take all the furniture. Riot, eat all the food. Riot, destroy everything until nothing is left but a big mess no one gets paid to clean up.

Hordes of foul-mouthed punks with shotguns smash everything they can, and smash up the pieces just to make sure, ministers officially declare Judgment Day for an entire year, NBA players stay on strike stating that no one plays sports for the love of the game, Congress continues with impeachment hearings exclaiming that they will not be deterred by such mitigating circumstances, everyone working their entire lives for the sole purpose of money stop using toilets or taking showers, criminals get out of prison and live up to their society-inflicted labels, and everything becomes dirty, smelly, rotten, and pointless.

Money can go from being worth less to worthless. It has do with the numbers. I'll be honest, I don't understand the numbers. They have something to do with import/export trading volume, they have something to do with the amount of money being spent by the masses inside the United States, and they have something to do with price of tea in China.

Like it or not, we have to believe in the numbers. We have to believe in money. Oddly enough, it also means we must believe that the value of money will fluctuate causing surpluses and deficits without warning. The more we believe, the less it makes sense. The less it makes sense, the more we believe. It is not enough to just believe in the value of money. We must believe in the value of valuing money. And on and on ten fold. And if I keep talking long enough, I may prove to the old man in my dreams that twenty bucks isn't always twenty bucks even though he only said that because he wanted my change.

Chris Jungle almost always has change.

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