A deal from the monopoly
a shupimta column by Chris Jungle

Monopolies exist. Oh, they don't have names like Rockefeller and Carnegie any more, but the word Gates strikes fear into many people. All in all, most fascist companies have gone by the wayside. Except PNM, my gas company. Which happens to also be my electric company, but that's not important right now. If I don't like my gas company, I have two choices: leave town or cease to be part of the hip elitist crowd who use utilities. Neither option is really viable. I like living in my town, and I'm not yet the mountain man who silently and patiently rests within my psyche waiting for the day when I eat bugs and urinate wherever I want. As a result, I've been paying the inflated gas prices PNM has been charging for the last couple years.

That's not the problem though. I came to terms long ago with the fact that the gas company could do whatever its twisted selfish mind wanted to do, and I decided to just write them a check once a month and grumble when it seemed excessive (i.e. November, December, January, February, and March). But now, PNM has a "deal" for me.

This deal involves two options on how I can pay my gas bill. Option #1: pay a $14.56 monthly access fee and four cents per therm plus taxes and what not. This is supposedly for people who use a lot of gas and the way PNM has been charging its customers for the past few years. Option #2: pay a $9.00 monthly access fee and 12 cents per therm plus taxes and what not. This is supposedly for people who conserve gas.

Here's my problem with all of this. Why isn't there an option that involves a $9.00 monthly fee and 4 cents per therm? Why do conservative gas users pay 300 percent more per therm? Why are there two different access fees? Shouldn't access require the same amount of attention regardless the amount of usage? The answer to these questions is simple--the deal is there is no deal. PNM will make about the same amount of money regardless which choice each gas user selects.

PNM explained how much money can be saved if someone used only 400 therms as opposed to 1200 therms, and there is a substantial difference. Of course, anyone who uses 400 therms should really invest in some kind of portable heater, and the 1200 therms crowd needs to buy some blankets. As it turns out, my gas usage is almost smack dab in the middle. The difference between the two options would have been four dollars a year or roughly 33 cents a month. Hardly worth my time. I give much more money to the homeless each month.

So why is PNM making a big deal about their new options? Why are they sending the message I received in the mail at bulk rate mail prices to all of their customers? Why are we all asked to vote for #1 or #2? Because my gas company wants to appear to be a caring monopoly. They want us to choose how to pay for gas. Letting each individual select which gas program is right for their personal use.

The goal of every monopoly is to be loved by the people. Carnegie and Rockefeller were philanthropists. Gates wants to donate computers to every public school. Mussolini made the trains run on time. I went to college on a scholarship sponsored by Phelps Dodge who is known for making copper products and some of the biggest man-made holes in the ground. PNM donates to charities, non-profit organizations, and other worthy causes. They want us to like them even though they take a little bit more of our money than they should.

That's fine, but don't try to con me. Don't give me a choice between six large eggs and six oversized medium eggs. Don't say it's up to me whether to get the coke and popcorn combo for five dollars or buy a two dollar coke and three dollar box of popcorn separately. Don't allow me the opportunity to choose which line to stand in when we're all going to the same place. That patronizing. And if there's one thing I don't like about monopolies, it's when they think I'm stupid.

Chris Jungle is convinced a term 'therm' is an imaginary measurement made up by gas company spin doctors.

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