Speculation and rumors
a SUIT column by Chris Jungle

Aides say the president is planning to deny any sexual affiliation with the former white house aide. Sources say the president is working diligently to defend himself and is considering admitting to an inappropriate relationship with Lewinsky. Advisers say the president plans to acknowledge improper sexual contact but no true relationship. Close confidants say the president will answer question about sex but not go into any detail. Aides? Sources? Advisers? Confidants? When did front page news articles become as vague in their referencing as a brashly opinionated Chris Jungle column?

Didn't we learn something from Watergate? If those close to the president want to remain anonymous, they should at least make up catchy nicknames. It would be hard to get ahead of Deep Throat on the nickname list (pun intended), but that doesn't mean they can't try. Let's give all these people, afraid to say their names but are strangely ready to leak information to the press, the silly nicknames they deserve.

The aide known as Beanie Baby confirms the president will concede making improper actions. Sexual Chocolate says the president is ready to testify touching but not loving. Big Fat Runny Dunny Dee, a close confidant, exclaims the president is ready to rumble with the independent counsel.

If you're not going to be straight forward about your identity but still want to talk to people, you need a catchy nickname. My name is not really Chris Jungle. It's an alias, and to be blatantly accurate, it's a dead alias. Chris Jungle was actually killed by another fictional character in Lies #17. That's the great thing about having a fake existence. Anything can happen to an alias, and they can still come back the next week for another column.

But I'm getting off the subject, and I haven't even made my point yet.

The point is this--I don't trust information from vague amorphous sources. I remember in junior high when I received this report: "This girl who sits next to the best friend of Johnny in Algebra said that Katie went all the way with Johnny behind the roller rink." While the school quickly went on to ridicule Katie and praise Johnny, I was more curious why someone I knew felt the need to give me information from a girl (who I didn't know), who got it from the best friend of Johnny (who I didn't know), who was spreading information about Johnny (who I had never spoken to) and Katie (who I never spoke to, had a crush on, but never admitted to anyone). I didn't trust the vague sources and never found out if the scandal of the school was real.

That was junior high. I can blame that silliness on the beginning of puberty and too many sugary snacks. When did the national sex scandal stoop to junior high tactics?

"The lawyers of the president told me, a close confidant, it was okay to leak information to the press, so you guys can print it on the front page of every major newspaper in the country. Don't use my name, and don't give me nickname. Deal?"

Lame. It's all pretty lame. It's newspapers and the sickening number of televised news shows filling their gaps and lack of news with rumors and speculation. What's worse is that they are trying to pass it off as legitimate news. It's not. It's a bunch of people telling the press exactly what they want to tell them. It's called strategic leaking, not the truth.

I gave up on having a rational opinion on the Clinton-Lewinsky matter a long time ago. Sure, I'm interested in what the president says to the grand jury, but I want to know what actually says. Not what people afraid to give themselves nicknames have to say about it. Would anyone read this column if my name was Advisor and Close Confidant? It sounds more like a twisted super hero duo than a reference for information.

During my college years, no professor let me turn in a term paper or thesis with a reference page full of people like Trusted Aide, Protected Source, Chief Advisor, and Imaginary Friend.

I don't trust advisors "speaking only on the condition of anonymity" without a silly nickname. Imagine what you would say if you knew people would print it on the front page of newspapers, and you wouldn't get in trouble for it. It's a spooky idea.

I still say the girl who sat next to Johnny's best friend wanted to break Katie and Johnny up so she could make her move. I never believed her, but I still never talked to Katie. I never found out if the scandal was true, but I didn't really want to know. Even if rumors and speculation are true, it's still a childish way to get the message out to the public.

Chris Jungle will reveal his true identity upon personal request only. Warning: the truth is not as shocking as any speculation.

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