Some American people
a SUIT column by Chris Jungle

I'm tired of politicians, pseudo-politicians, and any other fools who use the phrase 'The American People' as if we could be clumped into one all-encompassing statement. I apologize to everyone who already knew this, but I feel this point needs to be beaten into a few narrow-minded heads. Sometimes I preach to the choir because they're the only ones listening.

And the list begins:

Some American people like the president. Some really like the president and will defend him under any circumstance. Some even have affairs with presidents. Some people never meet the president. Some dislike him. Some work night and day to humiliate and kick him out of office. Some try to shoot the president. Some vote only in presidential elections. Some people don't vote or even care about anything political at all.

Some American people want to work and strive as hard they can to achieve a goal. Others would prefer not to be competitive at all. Some people are criminals until they are put in jail. Some are criminals no matter what happens to them. Some cuss when other people drive poorly and cut them off--some cuss all the time. Some cuss to prove a point while others swear when they have nothing to say at all.

Some American people wait until they're married to have sexual intercourse. Some try it the first chance they get. Some people only have sex with people they love, and others have sex with those they cannot respect. Some people go to strip joints, go to adult bookstores, or enjoy Internet porn. Some people give up sex for religion. Some people think oral sex is disgusting while others get immensely aroused at the slightest thought of it. Some pay money for sex, some pay time, some pay respect, and some pay anything and everything they have. There's even some people who go through life never having sex.

Some American people believe in the devout worship of God, believe in God but not religion, in religion and not God, pray everyday, or choose special moments to pray. Some people are Catholics, Methodists, Baptists, Lutheran, Presbyterian, Mormon, Jehovah's Witness, or a mish-mash of all of the Christian sects. Some people aren't Christians at all. Some people are religious in ways you will never understand. Some are agnostic, or don't believe in anything at all.

Some American people travel in their free time while others watch TV. Some take prescription drugs or alcohol to relax while others consume something considered illegal. Some watch many hours of television while others read or do sporting activities. Some buy lottery tickets. Some dream. Some people do nothing during their free time while others have none to spend at all.

Some American people are athletic, lazy, brilliant, stupid, psychotic, helpful, generous, stingy, racist, accepting, fat, beautiful, sharp, hard working, cunning, foolish, greedy, predictable, narcissistic, hideous, full of dreams, strung out, sweet, pleasant, incoherent, tall, stocky, wonderful, boring, mediocre, wise, lame, bitchy, cocky, smelly, filthy, unquestionably right, and embarrassingly wrong.

Some American people are folks you want to spend the rest of your life being with, while others you wished never existed. The American people are everything. We want everything, love everything, hate everything, know everything, and do everything. We are both extremes on every issue and everything in between.

'The American People' are what we are. No one can accurately and fully explain what we want or need. Some American people already knew that without this list.

Chris Jungle has now completed the 'Beating a dead horse' section of the test for his columnist license.

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