If you don't want your children smoking pot...
a SUIT column by Chris Jungle

A full page advertisement donned my morning paper a few days ago. Normally, I ignore anything that says PAID ADVERTISEMENT at the top of the page unless it involves women modeling the latest fashions of bras and panties, but the government was behind this one. Technically, the Office of National Drug Control Policy sprung for the ad, but we all know who is flipping the bill.

In case you missed it, here's a replay. At the top of the page, a mother, looking content and proud, has the quote: "My kid doesn't smoke pot. He's either at school, soccer practice, piano lessons, or at a friend's house." The son, pictured at the bottom of the page looking clean cut yet cold, has the quote: "I usually get stoned at school, after soccer practice, before piano lessons, or at my friends house." The punch line states "Just because you know where your kids are doesn't mean you know what they're doing. So if you don't want your children smoking pot, talk to them." I sat on my sofa with nary a morning cup of water in my system, and my initial thought was "Wow. Kids are doing it all wrong nowadays."

I'll give the ad credit for making me ponder the message, but I was mostly enthralled by Clean Cut Junior's smoking times. AT school, AFTER soccer, BEFORE piano, and AT a friend's house.

Being stoned AT school never made sense to me. Being high makes the day last longer, and school always took too long in the first place. Since most kids didn't want teachers to know they're baked, they would spend the entire time being paranoid somebody would find out. Always the worst kind of high. It darn well could be called a low. Bad choice, Clean Cut Junior.

Getting stoned AFTER soccer practice. Sounds like a strange type of Miller Time to me. Nothing like running all over a grass field for an hour, working the lungs and body into an athletic frenzy, and top it off with a joint behind the dumpster. I'm guessing Clean Cut Junior is a weak side fullback or the backup goalie. I can just see Proud Mom picking him up from practice and asking how practice was, and Clean Cut Junior laughs almost uncontrollably about he totally missed the ball during a penalty kick and fell down mesmerized by cloud formations.

Lighting up BEFORE piano lessons. Now there's a sight to see. I'll admit I know many musicians who can spark up a fat one and jam for hours upon hours, but they already know how to play the instrument. Clean Cut Junior couldn't be more than 13 and, at best, is still trying to master minor scales and changing time signatures. If that. I can hear him and his piano teacher getting into deep, hazy discussions about how the black keys are always sharp or flat, or how the keys are but signals to the hammers to lightly smack wires inside the massive box, or which compositions Mozart wrote as a child. If that's what's going on, I say let Clean Cut Junior have a few tokes. But if he's getting high and not comprehending why the left and right hand have to play at the same time, the piano teacher should charge double and cancel the recital.

Blazing at a friend's house. Now Junior's talking some sense. Right place at the right time. I know it's not part of polite society to say there's a time and place to do anything illegal, but out of all the places Junior gets stoned, this is at least tolerable. All kids do at their friends' houses is waste time. If they're not smoking pot, they're watching TV or videos, listening to music, playing video games, playing board games, shooting hoops, sneaking shots from the liquor cabinet, trying on Mom's make up, playing with Dad's gun, making out, having sex, or sitting around moaning and groaning about how boring it is and how they have nothing to do.

The message of the ad was that parents should talk to their kids about drugs. I agree. Parents should talk to their kids about a ton of topics. Moms and Dads should talk to their children about drugs, sex, school, soccer practice, piano lessons, guns, friends, favorite sports, favorite books, any questions or desires they have, and any and all morals, advice, and rules.

If you never talk to your kids and then bring up the subject of drugs, they aren't going to tell you what you want to hear. In fact, they won't tell you anything at all. Parents need to take an interest in their children's lives. The good aspects, the embarrassing parts, and even the elements of life which absolutely no sense whatsoever.

Take an interest in your kid's life. If you don't, why did you have them in the first place?

Chris Jungle usually gets stoned IN the backyard, WHILE listening to music, AT a laid back party, or WHEN the working day is done.

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